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"Murphy was an optimist!"

How does your wife plan on killing you? July 25, 2005 5:26 pm

Posted by djuggler in : Daily Life
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We are all doomed to die. When we get married, men drastically reduce their potential for long life. The cause of death is always the same: the wife. Mine is doing a combination job. Her primarily focus is the "heart attack" and the catalyst will be falling down the stairs. The motive: unknown, I think it’s simply in their genes.

We have all heard that married men live longer. This is true simply because single people get to play harder, party harder, take harder drugs and live more dangerously; ergo, they bite the bullet much sooner than married men.

A popular approach is to overstress the simple mind of the man.

Woman (from another room): Honey, could you get my keys from the table?
Man: Yes, dear. I don’t see them on the table.
Woman: They are right there.
Man: No they aren’t.
Woman: Yes they are. I left them there last night.
Man: Well they must have gone for a drive last night because they aren’t here now.
Woman (stomping into room, immediately picks keys up from chair): See, they are right here!

It will take that man several hours and several beers to recover from the incident. He will never understand it.

Another classic man killer is the "correct decision" as exemplified:

Man: Honey, what do you want to do for dinner?
Woman: I don’t know.
Man: Do you want to me to cook something or go out to a restaurant?
Woman: You decide.
Man: I’m really indifferent tonight. Let’s do something that you want.
Woman: Ok. Let’s go to Calhoun’s or stay home and cook steaks.

Ah! Notice how the man gets stuck with the decision. Should it turn out well then the woman can take credit for making a good choice. Should it turn out poorly then the man can be thoroughly beat down. Now how could such a similar choice as Calhoun’s and steak at home go wrong? For one, if the woman has already made the decision but is simply testing his telepathic ability to read her thoughts then the man is dead meat because we all know that stress scrambles telepathic reception and this poor guy is already on his way to a coronary and that is before we add in the night’s cholesterol. Now another way it could go wrong is that if the man chooses to cook at home but makes the horrid mistake of leaving dirty dishes in the kitchen. Of course a third method of diaster awaits at the restaurant in any combination of potential conversation flubs, staring at waitresses, over-reacting to the bill, under tipping and so forth.

The arsenal of psychological man killers that women hold is boundless and grows with each paired trip to the bathroom. The bathroom is the secret communications hub of women by which all psychological warfare originates. Secrets can be whispered there. They are always in pairs to watch each others backs. The mirrors over the sinks convert into large video conferencing screens by which new successful tactics can be transmitted to thousands of bathrooms around the world simultaneously! Men, we cannot fight this. They are too numerous, too organized and far too experienced. Accept your fate. Nuture what you have left.

Women by nature need to seek companionship. Once companionship is achieved they lose focus for that energy. They begin to miss the chase. They become resentful toward the person who took away their ability to "seek companionship" simply by becoming their companion. Due to utter contempt toward this person, the woman begins to subtly create this person’s exodus. And this is why men die so much sooner than women.

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