Reality Me

A juggling technophile shares personal stories, challenges, humor and perhaps some political commentary.

• Home
• About
• Employers READ ME
• That Stuff

NOTE: The spam filter is being unusually aggressive. If you comment does not immediately appear, it has simply been placed in moderation and I will approve it as quickly as possible. Thank you for your patience.

"Murphy was an optimist!"

• Welcome new readers!

From the mouths of babes May 28, 2009 6:20 pm

Splashes!
Noah, assisting Amy and Evan in evening baths and getting frustrated: "Evan! Stand up!"
Me: "Sarah, please give your brother some backup."
…because life with 5 children is like a police drama.

Another Snow Day February 4, 2009 8:06 am

Monday saw school canceled early. Yesterday the road conditions did not permit school and the children stayed home to play.Today, it is too cold for school. Even Lincoln Memorial University closed leaving the question "how will students living on campus eat today?" Perhaps we need to have some homebound lessons.

Apparently Frostbite Is Cool January 30, 2009 8:21 am

She did it again. It is -4°C outside right now. Snow flurries are in the forecast. And my 15 year old girl just walked out of the house wearing Teva sandals and no socks. I couldn’t stop myself this time, "Sarah! That’s stupid. At least put on socks." But her ride was here and obviously this is the counter culture look she is going for. Oh wait, she thought she broke her toe last night (didn’t) but it was nice and black and blue. I bet she wants to show it off today!

Picking Parental Battles January 9, 2009 8:58 am

My 15 year old daughter left the house today wearing Teva sandals (similar to the Open Toachi). They are cool looking and rugged shoes. She wore no socks. The only problem? This morning I had to scrape ice from the windshield, puddles in parking lots were frozen solid, and my long sleeve and jacket wasn’t enough. I desired a sweater in addition to my other layers to be comfortable. In short, it is cold!

I could have fought with her and demanded that she wear regular shoes or at least put on socks. However, this has natural consequences. She can learn her own lessons without being distracted by me.

The afternoon play by play December 2, 2008 11:03 pm

Cathy had a debilitating migraine today. She had to hide under the covers in a dark room. I keep the television off as much as I could and Evan had imaginative self-play most of the day allowing me to work. Amy had Girl Scouts until 3:45. I decided I needed a quickie dinner tonight and called spaghetti. Everyone eats it except Noah, and the preparation and cleanup is minimal. Noah, the great consumer of ketchup and meat, on spaghetti nights chooses to ignore the stringy pasta covered with tomato based sauce usually with ground beef mixed in and instead cooks himself Ramen noodles. I left slightly early to run by Butler & Bailey for the sauce for tonight’s meal before picking up Amy.

I arrived at Girl Scouts as they were closing. The girls formed a circle and sang a song of friendship. As the circle formed, I noted the girls were down some steps in an amphitheater part of the school library leaving one girl in a wheel chair abandoned. I started to ask if she and I could join the circle but hesitated assuming this had been prearranged for some reason. I was wrong. The wonderful leader working hard, with only one other adult assistant and so many girls, had simply overlooked the wheelchair bound youth. I mentioned it to her and could see that she acknowledged her error. I didn’t want her to feel bad but am hoping that the girl won’t be left out of such an important part of the meeting. I feel sad for her. This is just the beginning and she will have to learn to be tough for a world that will intentionally and accidentally exclude her. I spoke to my daughter about it and encouraged her to speak up whenever the girl in the wheelchair is overlooked expressing that the leaders and the girl will really appreciate her actions. I don’t think she got the message.

It was now 3:58. We had to get from the elementary school to the high school by 4:00 to pickup Sarah and her friend. We arrived at 4:10 and I received a text message from Noah begging for fish food for SuperGuppie, the fish that swims in green water with 100 snails and never dies. The high school girls jump in the car and I ask, "How was practice?" to which I got a quizzical answer that they hadn’t gone yet and had to be at Hardin Valley High School at 5:30. That’s BFE West through rush hour traffic to the uninitiated. I tried to shortcut through the student lot to be close to the pet store but the security theater at the high school had already closed that gate. Cars cannot get through without a $12 bolt cutter but vandals can slip right through the gaping hole between the two gates. So I u-turn and head to Kingston Pike, slip past Margarita’s restaurant joking with the girls that we’ll eat there, then speed behind the buildings because it is fun and avoids speed bumps while passing the delivery trucks and smoking employees finally arriving at the exotic pet store. I leave all 3 girls in the car and grab an unusually large container of vegetarian colored flakes for the fish which is either 1) guaranteed to be spilled merciless all over the place by Noah or 2) through some great cosmic joke to cause the immortal fish to croak tonight. I return to the car to find the teenagers listening to one of XM’s comedy stations–aka "George Carlin influenced all these comedians." I suggest to Sarah that she find something more child friendly lest she wants to explain a little too early to Amy about the birds and the bees.

On the way home I torture the girls with Pink Floyd. I remember we have no milk and I stop at Weigel’s again leaving the teens in charge of the 6 year old. When I return with 2 gallons of cow juice the radio is still on Floyd. "Do you like Pink Floyd?" "NO!"

It’s 4:40 and water is on the stove. It’s 4:58 and the water still isn’t boiling. Sarah explains that we have to leave in 5 minutes and I give the girls the run down of the leftovers in the fridge which turns out to be a remarkable amount of decent food that needs to be eaten. They turn down my Aloo Sag and request McDonald’s. We turn the water off and hit the drive through. It’s 5:07 and we are turning right from Northshore to Morrell and we can hear the large Dr. Pepper falling out of its drink holder and pouring onto the girl’s flags, book bags, coats and streaming stickiness onto everything in the car. It’s 5:10 and the damage isn’t terrible but to return to McD’s for a new drink will make the girls late. They opt get her one from the drink machine at the school (I thought we did away with soft drinks at the schools).

It’s 5:28 and the girls arrive right on time despite the best efforts of Knoxville’s rush hour drivers and a wide load poking down Pellissippi Parkway. Once back at the house, Amy reminds me I promised she could help get the Christmas tree out. A little effort, a lot of happiness. The separate parts of the tree work their way upstairs. The bottom third is in the stand and I declare dinner time. I veto spaghetti, heat up some sliced carrots and bring out the leftovers getting plates made for the little two and leaving the other people to make their own choices. Evan declares he has to go potty. I rush him off for a little book reading in the "library" when I hear a thwack and a holler from Cathy. Once again she’s gone and kicked the middle part of the tree that I left in the middle of the living room. I leap out of the bathroom leaving Evan to his own accord so that I can remove the problem. Instead I see Cathy dripping blood on the hardwoods and a pile of glass below her foot. Amy and Noah leap from the chairs (barefooted) to rush to her aid. I raise a hand with a magical energy field that would have made Gandolf proud and command them back to their feets. Quick lecture about the goodness of helpfulness but knowing to ask if help is needed first. I’m in the process of cleaning glass from the floor while watching Cathy’s foot bleed and commanding the springs to get back in their chairs over and over when out of the bathroom a giggling Evan comes bounding toward the mess. All I can picture is a bottom covered in poo about to be spread everywhere. Noah is up again and rushes to the bathroom with one of his great nosebleeds. Amy is up to help him with instructions, "lean forward, pinch hard." I direct her back to her seat and encourage Evan to eat. Soon Noah returns. By this time the floor is clean of glass shards, the two blades of glass protruding from Cathy’s foot have been removed, I’ve tortured her with rubbing alcohol, and applied a bandaid provided by Amy.

You know…it’s a bit like juggling. Cathy says it more succinctly.

Oh, Nebraska, not Target! October 26, 2008 10:23 pm

Big families should use the buddy system and we do. In the parking lot, before entering a store, Cathy chimes out the buddies: "Amy, you’re with Dad. Evan is with Sarah. Noah is with me." (Tommy is at the border of Kentucky and Tennessee) As the children have grown older, they gain a little independence. For instance, in Target, Noah in the Middle is allowed to hang out at the video games on his own leaving him buddyless. Unfortunately, this hasn’t worked out too well for him. Today we shopped at Target for Amy’s homework supplies to decorate a pumpkin as Fancy Nancy. After checking out and loading the car, Sarah questions, "Uh, where’s Noah?" We forgot him! Again! One day Target is going to gain a night employee. Sorry Noah!

From the mouths of babes October 23, 2008 11:48 am

Dad: "Sarah and her boyfriend are going to hang out at the park today."
Mom: "It’s too cold for anything. They’ll be fine."
Dad: "You’re funny."
Mom: "No. You’re funny!"

Blogher Report October 12, 2008 10:35 pm

The girls are having a blast. They were treated to dinner at an expensive steakhouse, and my daughter ordered Mac and Cheese! If dumbfounded could take a solid form, it would look a lot like me right now. Big day for them tomorrow.

And the girls are gone! October 12, 2008 5:01 pm

Cathy and Sarah along with Missy took off this morning in a decked out Saturn Vue loaned to them by GM to attend BlogHer in Washington, DC. Today was also my deadline for getting my IRS paperwork straightened out before they begin levying bank accounts again. Despite my pleas for one more week, they wouldn’t budge. Fortunately since today is a Sunday and tomorrow is a federal holiday, I have until Tuesday to turn the papers in. For a variety of reasons from "I didn’t feel like it that year" to "Cathy’s name didn’t match the records at the Social Security Department," I had missing or rejected IRS tax returns from 2002, 2003, 2004, and 2006. This makes Uncle Sam not like you. And when Uncle Sam doesn’t like you, he takes away a bunch of your money in fees, interest, penalties, and brute force.

The paperwork is straightened out. Amy has been to a birthday party. Evan and Noah to the circus with the grandparents. Noah is nursing a migraine. Amy and Evan are playing. And I’m programming (think I’ll slip some dinner in somewhere).

Of Being Dad October 9, 2008 8:45 am

This morning was cool…until I got up. Cathy swapped roles with me this morning and got the children ready for school. What a relaxing way to start the day! I allowed myself 20 extra minutes of sleep then calmly got dressed and went upstairs to lend a hand by making Amy’s lunch. We were right on time to make the bus but pushing it. I had a simple plan: Amy and I run to the van and get to the bus stop. I remind the air, "Don’t let Dharma out!" It has been raining and I don’t have time to clean her feet for a van ride and still be able to get Amy to school. Then Evan runs into the kitchen with sticky buns caked to his hands. I exclaim, "Go wash your hands" but he needs help and no one is moving his direction. Cathy and I simultaneously take him to the bathroom and wash his hands. Suddenly Evan is to be a passenger. I’m watching the clock tick knowing that we are at a coin flip on making the bus or not. We rush to the front door and it magically opens and Dharma shoots out. I lunge for her and miss and she lands paws in the mud then digs in to race to the van. I lose it. I engage chase and booming voice (sorry neighbors). Dharma does something new, and hides under the van. All I picture is a dog that now needs a bath on a day that I don’t need distractions. She won’t come out so I honk the horn (sorry neighbors), yell, toss some rocks, why am I still trying to make the bus, the neighbor returns from the bus stop, the children are out trying to help so I yell at them to go back inside, Sarah gets Dharma out, I smack the dog and drag her by the scruff of the neck back inside, children are crying, dog is scared, and everyone is mad at me.

How could this have gone differently? All I had to do was close the front door. Within 15 seconds, Dharma would have been scratching to come inside. We could have said something witty and laughed instead of cried. And who cares if we missed the bus. I want to be that perfect tv dad. Can I have take 2?

Evening is upon us – Football! September 5, 2008 6:42 pm

Bearden High School has a home game tonight. Sarah will be demonstrating her excellence. Last year we discovered it was neither cost effective or prudent to take the whole family so Cathy and I take turns going to the games to support the teamflags. Alright, usually Cathy goes. So tonight’s evening chaos is brought to you by Liquid Plumber, The BHS Band Boosters, McDonald’s, and the RedCross babysitting training. Participants in tonight’s chaos are Amy, Evan, Noah, and Dad. Absence from this evenings show is Tommy who stayed at the college to chill with his hommies, Sarah who when not flirting with Zak is spinning flags on the field, and Mom who is taking pictures of Sarah flirting with Zak. Mom shoves down a McDonald’s cheese burger and is out the door leaving Noah instructions to get the trash out of the kitchen then help Dad with Amy and Evan. Amy is told to help Dad with Evan. Mom leaves. Noah goes to the back of the house and plays video games. Dad blinks at the trash. Amy and Evan erupted into loudness contests. Dad tries to figure out how to divide time between refereeing Amy and Evan, working on the tub, and coding web applications. It’s quiet upstairs… too quiet…

From the mouths of babes August 27, 2008 9:59 pm

I decided to teach Amy the Daimoku today and it is wonderful to chant together with her. At bedtime, I asked her if we could do it again and she wanted to chant then read a book. We repeat the Daimoku 3 times. What does Nam-myoho-renge-kyo mean?

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo is the Buddhist prayer that means I dedicate my life to bringing out the very best in myself and in all people. [Source, Jason Jarrett of A Buddhist Podcast, A Buddhist Podcast - Bodhisattvas of the Earth, 24:17-26:12]

Dad and Amy (6 years old), repeating 3 times: "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo"
Sarah (15 years old) with shocked look on her face: "You’re brainwashing her!"

Dear Sarah:

Buddhism is about revitalizing humanity, and transforming the world we live in from one dominated by greed, anger, and stupidity into one of peace and happiness. [Source, Jason Jarrett of A Buddhist Podcast, A Buddhist Podcast - Bodhisattvas of the Earth, 2:46-2:58]

Rough start to 1st day of 5 kids 5 schools August 11, 2008 7:58 am

Today we sent the 1st, 7th and 10th graders to school. Evan now has his grandmother’s defunct cell phone as a toy. It still has some juice so the screen lights up and the menus work. Last night when Cathy and I came to bed the crib was doing a flashy Close Encounters number. After silencing that visual alarm I set the phone by my bed. Well, apparently my mother-in-law gets up every day at 5am. At least, that’s when her cell phone alarm went off. I wanted to rise at 6 or 6:15. Never give yourself a choice! The secret to waking is picking a specific time and sticking to it. Also don’t do the easy the numbers; nothing that would be printed on a clock face. Wake at 6:01 not 6:00. Wake at 6:14 not 6:15 etc. I did wake at 6:00 without an alarm. And again at 6:07 when I stirred Cathy and decided today would be 6:15. I totally forgot the french toast and bacon I had wanted to prepare for their first day of school. At 6:54 Cathy kicked me out of bed and cursed me. We rushed Amy to readiness and at the last minute she decides on says she needs the restroom but could hold it until school. No way! We give her the time she needs and miss the bus by seconds. As we drive up the street, the bus is starting its turn onto Northshore Drive. Amy was not phased. She is simply jolly to be going to school.

Noah headed off in time very nonchalant. And Sarah is trying to carry far too much in one trip. Wet artwork, 3 flags, courier bag, and something else I cannot remember.

Good luck children! Have fun at school and learn much.

Oh, what of Tommy and Evan? They don’t start quite yet but to prepare Tommy for rising so early, he has to get himself up by 7am and be bathed and dressed else he loses computer privileges for the day. This morning he woke at 7am but his sister occupied the bathroom so he took advantage of the moment to sleep in his chair. Perhaps his time sound be earlier!

Update: Cathy points out that today went rather swimmingly despite the missed bus and I agree. "Rough" is relative.

Let’s send Sarah and Cathy to Blogher! August 4, 2008 9:34 pm

I have tried Chipin a couple of times without success. Of course, the vasectomy chipin was a huge failure but did remarkably better than the new dryer chipin. I thought I would give Chipin one more try with a cause that is less about me and more about others, albeit, others close to me. See, we have three female bloggers in the house. Cathy blogs at Domestic Psychology. Sarah blogs on her own website. And Amy blogs on her own website. Granted, Amy and Sarah don’t post very frequently and sometimes their content is lacking a little substance, but they try. Amy’s composition and typing skills are age appropriate and Sarah would rather be on Facebook or MySpace.

Cathy would love to have the opportunity to participate in a convention. Blogher Nashville would be perfect! And I think Sarah would really enjoy it too. So I am giving Chipin one more try. Let’s send the girls to Blogher Nashville! Please consider contributing to their registration fees and hotel. Thanks! (I have also put a widget in the sidebar)

Tonight’s Stalls August 3, 2008 9:57 pm

Tonight we began enforcing school time bedtimes to get everyone acclimated to the changes coming next week. Tommy has a "get up" time rather than a bedtime; he’s really on his own. Sarah will probably sneak Breaking Dawn in bed. Noah pulled a complete evasion by shooting off to a friend’s house for a sleep over. Amy fought hers hard jumping from bed to bed, having tantrums, refusals, screaming, and tearing up her sisters room decor. Evan pulled the "I gotta poop" stall and enhanced it with the "I need a bandaid" the moment he hit the crib. He turned on alligator tears for added affect but only scored about a 60 second delay with that one as opposed to a 20 minute delay from potential poo.

• Feeds

• Full
• Comments

• Email
• 
• 
• 

  Recent reviews by Doug M.

  What's this?

• May 2012

  S	M	T	W	T	F	S
  « Apr
  		1	2	3	4	5
  6	7	8	9	10	11	12
  13	14	15	16	17	18	19
  20	21	22	23	24	25	26
  27	28	29	30	31

Recent Posts

• Looking back 10 years
• From the mouths of babes
• Marriage advice to men
• Think your water is clean?
• Next round of testing
• Parenting can be so hard
• Secret Pleasures
• Deep Thoughts
• To rue the day or not to rue the day
• Of Grasshoppers