Reality Me » Daily Life

Evening goal – relax

Doug McCaughan — Sun, 27 May 2012 01:38:48 +0000

I really wanted to have a nice relaxing Saturday night to clear my head and find some extra happiness. Oh, of mice and men! Slow FTP. What could I do? Naturally, run to the steamed broccoli drive-thru. While at the local Chinese buffet, struggling to understand what the staff was trying to say, my phone buzzed with a panicked child, "The bathroom is flooding! Come right away!" I reply, "but I’m not at home." The ten year old quandaries, "where are you?" My head explodes, picturing a naive child talking on the phone, a wife unknowingly cleaning in the basement, while rivers flow through my home. All was well. The flood was bad. But our saving grace, were the tampons for they absorbed it well.

Memorial Day Weekend

Doug McCaughan — Sat, 26 May 2012 17:11:19 +0000

This is Memorial Day Weekend. To comply with the Uniform Monday Holiday Act of 1968, in 1971 Memorial Day was moved from May 30th to the last Monday of May thus creating a beloved three day weekend. Some people want to return the holiday to May 30th as they feel people have forgotten the roots of Decoration Day, a day of observance to mourn the dead of the Civil War, and that respect for our fallen solders has been overshadowed by vacations to the beach.

This Memorial Day weekend, I celebrate two of my children’s birthdays, I plan to spend 30-40 hours on a client’s project, dig through a decade’s worth of statements and receipts, and I will remember our fallen solders.

Looking back 10 years

Doug McCaughan — Fri, 25 May 2012 14:11:09 +0000

Right now I’m sitting down with a tax professional to review my past decade’s tax returns. See, I goofed an eon ago and skipped filing taxes. Had I filed, I would have received a substantial refund. Having not filed, Uncle Sam got mad and billed me for a ridiculous amount of money (5 digits). This tax bill has been a pain. If all goes well today, this will finally be put to bed; of course, it will take the IRS 10 or more weeks to finalize the paperwork so the party will have to wait until then. The lesson? ALWAYS file your taxes!

Update: It’s never good when the IRS agent on the phone makes your tax professional slam her fist on the desk and declare "bitch" after hanging up. However, that’s now one motivated tax professional! In short, over the past decade I’ve lost, not owed but lost, tens of thousands of dollars to the IRS. And they want more.

My Uncle Sam does bad things to me. It’s been our secret since 2002.

From the mouths of babes

Doug McCaughan — Thu, 24 May 2012 16:40:34 +0000

Tommy: "We need a kitten."
Me: "No we don’t."
Tommy: "I’ll take good care of it."
Me: "When you have your own place to live, you can have a kitten."
Cathy: "If you clean the litter box for our cat every day for one month, you can have a kitten."
Tommy: "Yea!"
Me: "Make it six months."
Cathy: "One month."
Me: "I don’t want another cat!"
12 days later, Tommy: "12 days and I’ve cleaned the litter box every day."

I think I have roughly 18 days to build Tommy a small apartment near Amy’s clubhouse.

Marriage advice to men

Doug McCaughan — Wed, 23 May 2012 03:00:33 +0000

After you say, "I do," it’s really best just to shutup and not speak again.

Next round of testing

Doug McCaughan — Mon, 21 May 2012 01:01:09 +0000

It’s that time again. See how flexible Doug is. Will he bend? Will he break? Does he blend? Are his morals sound? Is his constitution resolute?

Parenting can be so hard

Doug McCaughan — Fri, 18 May 2012 00:42:53 +0000

I Cry

Secret Pleasures

Doug McCaughan — Wed, 16 May 2012 16:37:19 +0000

I must admit, I become very amused when people I know in real life let me know they read Reality Me! Thank you my friends!

Deep Thoughts

Doug McCaughan — Tue, 15 May 2012 16:23:16 +0000

Too much happening in the head; too little happening through the fingers.

To rue the day or not to rue the day

Doug McCaughan — Mon, 14 May 2012 13:02:23 +0000

This day shall not own me!
For it is Monday
And I am master of my calendar!

10 years have got behind you

Doug McCaughan — Mon, 07 May 2012 14:17:40 +0000

To look in the mirror and see your father looking back is a bit shocking; to see your grandfather looking back is down right disturbing!

Why didn’t they warn us!

Doug McCaughan — Fri, 04 May 2012 01:29:57 +0000

Do you remember sex education in middle and high school where they told us about all these horrific things our bodies were about to spring on us? Why didn’t they tell us about the things that matter‽ Like freakishly long nose hairs! Braidable nose hairs! And I’m not even old yet. The horrors! And man, if my wife only knew the things I’ve done with her eyebrow tweezers!

Arrow to the Knee!

Doug McCaughan — Thu, 03 May 2012 17:10:36 +0000

I’ve earned my knee socks. That’s right, I’ve been Scoutborged. With Noah working up the ranks in Boy Scouts and Evan having begun scouts as a Tiger scout, I find myself a leader in both Cubscouts and Boy Scouts and Cathy has earned her Scout Widow badge. In June, I will be going on an adventure with Noah to hike in the Canyons of Utah for 9 days (with no cell phone or Internet!) This past weekend, Amy, Evan and I toured and slept overnight in The Lost Sea Caverns. The Weekend before that, Evan and I hiked for miles around Camp Buck Toms, slept over night, and came home with ticks. The weekend prior to that I slipped while doing yard work and torqued my knee. And today, three weeks later, my knee is still tender, hurts to touch, and I cannot put much weight on it.

So, I just paid $25 to have my doctor tell me I’m out of shape. End of story. So to celebrate, I decided to go to Cookout and have a cheese burger with onions, french fries, and hush puppies..MMMMMMmmm. While waiting for my food, I look around the joint and every morose soul there is 2 to 3 times my overweight size. They don’t speak or smile. Slow Jesus rock emanates loudly from the store speakers. For a moment, I consider leaving the five dollars and change worth of heart disease on the counter to escape quickly. In weakness, I grab the food and Cheer Wine float, return to work, and joined a gym.

Protected: Catharsis

Doug McCaughan — Wed, 02 May 2012 23:12:32 +0000

Doug McCaughan — Wed, 02 May 2012 18:05:23 +0000

godfuckingdammitmotherfuckingsonofabitch!