Son: “Dad, you should get up at 5am and cook breakfast. You handle sleep deprivation better than I do.”
Me: “So, Noah, how’s it feel to be gainfully employed?”
Noah: “Pretty good!”
Me: “You know that Weigel’s card in your car you use to pay for your gas directly from your parent’s bank account? Let’s give that back to your mother.”
Noah: “Oh. Okay.”
Noah, complaining to older sister: “They made me give back the gas card.”
Older sister: “What?! They never paid for my gas!”
Quit using gutteral noises as a form of language.
Me: "Happy birthday! What do you want to do on your special day?"
Evan, 13 today: "I’m going to spend the day at the pool with two girls from West High School."
Me: *Well, that escalated quickly.*
This is what it is like having a phone call with your teenager:
Me: "I love you."
Teen: "Alright. Bye."
Evan: "Daaad, I know how to brush my teeth. I’ve been doing it for 12 years."
Evan, entering the house with an Amazon package: "The postman says we are his best customer!"
Noah walks in shirtless.
Mom: "Amy, put lotion on your brother’s back."
Amy squawks through the house: "Whaaaat?!"
Dad: "It puts the lotion on the skin!"
Noah: "I can do it."
Evan, ruefully, to his sister Amy: "You get to walk to the mall from school. I get to eat ice cream on the track."
I’ve jumped the shark.
Me: “Do we have an Xbox one?”
Noah, 20 years old, flatly: “No.”
Wife: "Your tent just rolled across the yard and it’s still rolling."
Me: "Who threw clothes on the stairs? I need to strangle a child."
My 14 year old daughter: "I’ll be right down!"
Me, to myself: "I don’t think she understood what I said."
My wife: "The squirrels are eating my bush. Would you check on it for me?"
Me: *blink* *blink* "Yes dear."
Mother: "Do you know you’re driving me crazy?"
11 year old boy: "Now I do!"
Me: "Goddammit, quit stepping on the cats!"
(Probably not the most constructive statement in the moment)