Evan, ruefully, to his sister Amy: "You get to walk to the mall from school. I get to eat ice cream on the track."
I’ve jumped the shark.
Me: “Do we have an Xbox one?”
Noah, 20 years old, flatly: “No.”
Wife: "Your tent just rolled across the yard and it’s still rolling."
Me: "Who threw clothes on the stairs? I need to strangle a child."
My 14 year old daughter: "I’ll be right down!"
Me, to myself: "I don’t think she understood what I said."
My wife: "The squirrels are eating my bush. Would you check on it for me?"
Me: *blink* *blink* "Yes dear."
Mother: "Do you know you’re driving me crazy?"
11 year old boy: "Now I do!"
Me: "Goddammit, quit stepping on the cats!"
(Probably not the most constructive statement in the moment)
Context: Evan, our 11 year old, helped me drop one of the cats off at the veterinarian for a comprehensive exam last Wednesday. Behind the scale is this sign. Recently, both our 12 year old and 9 year old German Shepherds died.
Evan, 11 years old, studies the sign: "Dad, I think our next dog should be a three, four, or five."
Me: "Evan, that’s not a menu."
Me: "Alexa, play the Ramones."
Groggy 11 year old Evan walks into the room: "Dad, could you turn down the music?"
Me: "What are you guys doing?"
Cathy: "You’ve managed to redneck your whiskey!"
My eldest son: "Dad, the mower won’t start."
Me: "I’ll take a look at it."
Cranks on first pull. I report back to my son, "Started on the first try."
My son with holier-than-thou indignity with a touch of anger and a dash of annoyance, "Well I’d sure like to know what you are doing different than me because I pulled that string for 10 minutes and it didn’t start."
Me: "I put gas in it."
Tommy: "You were typing on my keyboard the other night weren’t you?"
Me: “Yes, I just wanted to try it out. I’m thinking about buying one.”
Tommy: “The guys in my forum got a good laugh out of that.”
Me: “Oh, your monitors were off but your computer was still on wasn’t it?”
Tommy: “Yup. You typed your initials and part of your name. Then ‘This would be a good keyboard for programming.’ and some random characters. I told them ‘Oh, that was just my dad playing on the keyboard.’ They got a good laugh out of it.”
- I’ve become THAT dad.
- it is time to change that password.
Her: What do you want for dinner?
Him: *something* *something* *9 1/2 weeks* *inappropriate* *something*
Her: Help me!
Her, holding up iPhone: Somehow, I don’t know how, it recorded that.
Him, grabbing iPhone sees an audio message sent to…Granny.
Him bolts out front door to see Granny fidgeting with her phone.
Him opens door to car and grabs phone.
Granny: I’ve never received an audio message before.
Him: I think it recorded silence.
13 year old, giggling: I think Dad recorded something by accident.
Him: It was your mother and it had secrets. *delete*
Her: I deleted it but it just took a while.
Him: That deletes it off your phone, not hers!
Me: "Do you want steak for dinner?"
Boy child: "Do we have barbecue sauce?"
Me: "Ok, sirloin for you."
Me: "I love you Amy. You are awesome!"
Amy: "Thanks. It runs in the family."