Evan, 10 years old: "Dad, I need you to do me a favor?"
Evan: "My friends want you to draw one of those pictures on my lunch bag for the field trip tomorrow."
Me to wife: "You’ve made me old with snapchat."
Disembodied 10 year old voice from the back of the house: "Yeah, you are old" "hahaha!" "Get wrecked." "W-r-e-k-e-d"
We asked the 10.5 year old to watch something other than Futurama or Simpsons. He begins his breakdown as I try to find Animaniacs or Pinky and the Brain.
Me: "Do you want to play some cards with me?"
Me: "Do you want to play a board game with me?"
Me: "Do you want to be in the same room with me?"
Evan: "I’m going to go take a bath."
Cathy: "You are returning that funeral home questionnaire!?"
I knew things were about to get messy so I put on some rubber gloves. I worked it by myself but was getting nowhere then a female sales associate joined me. The two of us grunted, writhed, and struggled but could not get it in despite having used excessive lubricant on the rubber. The tip got messy and we had to stop to clean it. Then it occurred to me to put some lubricant on my finger, insert it in the opening, and rub it around the inside edges. After that it slipped in with ease and I explained, "It just wasn’t enough lube. You had to use more lube." I gave it three screws and was finished. Btw, the headlight on the van is working now.
Cathy: "Evan, do you have any self control?!"
Evan, 9: "No but…"
Cathy: "I’m getting in the shower to shave my head."
Cathy: "This is why you don’t talk to me before I’ve had my coffee."
Cathy: "Why are you laying on the floor?"
Tommy: "Because it annoys Dad."
At least he is honest.
Evan, 9: "Why do we have a weeping angel [on our bookshelf]?"
Me, with intensity: "Don’t look away!"
Evan: *Looks at me* *pauses* *smacks hand to face* "Oh, I would have been sooo dead!"
Evan, bemoaning tomorrow being a school day.
Dad: "I’ll switch with you. You go to work for me and I’ll go to school for you."
Evan: "Ok. I’ll go and ask them to fire me. Then I’ll get a fun job like Chuck E Cheese or Sonic!"
Evan singing “la la laaa la”
Me: how do you know that song?
Evan: “Wreck it Ralph” “Help! I need somebody. Help.”
Me: “is that from Wreck It Ralph too?”
Evan: “No, Dad. That’s the Beatles!”
Evan, 9 years old: “I like being high!” “Everything looks different when you are high. It’s so beautiful.” “Being high is awesome!”
We were driving the rental truck home.
Last night I asked my son if the dogs had enough food for this morning. This word "yes" I do not think it means what he thinks it means.
"Stop fighting, Goddammit!"