Author: Doug McCaughan

I know they are saying the temperature is going to get in the 60s (F) but right now it’s cold as a witch’s titty! Now, you might ask, “How do you know how cold a witch’s titty is?” Let’s just say I knew a few witches back in college. That may lead you to ask, “So, just how cold is a witch’s titty” to which I would have to say, “now we’ve gone too far!”

Now, the expression “cold as…” is rather common despite its potential offensiveness. I had to find the origin.

The simple explanation is that “colder than a witch’s tit” is just a vivid metaphor, like “hotter than the hinges of hell.” Since a witch is in league with Satan, presumably she has no maternal feelings. Thus the medium by which she would suckle a child is, well, cold as a witch’s tit.

But there’s some history behind this wisecrack. A witch’s tit (or witch’s teat, to use the older spelling) supposedly left a marking that witch hunters and courts would look for on the body of an accused person. Supposedly, witches would suckle their familiars, and sometimes the Devil himself, from this “unholy” body part. To find these marks, as well as insensitive spots on the skin called devil’s marks–caused by the Devil’s claws or teeth–the suspects wer stripped, shaven, then closely examined for any blemishes, moles, or even scars that could be labeled as diabolical. To find marks invisible to the eye, the examiner would poke the victim inch by inch with a blunt needle (called a bodkin) until they found a spot that didn’t feel pain or bled. Discovery of these marks or spots–one supposes they would be considered cold since they were a sign of communion with the Devil–would be “proof” of the person’s dealings with Scratch, so they would be shown in full court before the execution.

Is this accurate? I don’t know. I just only searched briefly since I’m on a deadline.

1-800-FREE-411 offers directory assistance for free (must listen to a 12 second advertisement). Snopes has the details.

Saw this on digg.com. I wonder how long it will take this document on beating Scantron to go through the schools. Scantrons are those answer sheets that you color in the circle with a number 2 pencil. The document talks of “hacks” like coloring over the black line beside the question to make the machine skip that question when grading. Or running chapstick down the length of the paper to cause the Scantron to give it 100% on the premise that it can find no questions to grade.

We used to be told that if you are in doubt, guess C. Now I suppose you guess C and, cross hatch A, B and D, and scribble over the black line beside the question.

From the Digg.com comments:

Ah well folks, just to prevent the small proportion of teenyboppers here who are gullible but otherwise reasonable, I’ll just note for the record that this is a complete laugh to teachers, at least my fellow college professors. The teacher can program the Scantron machine to grade any way he likes: it can subtract 1 for each wrong answer and do nothing for a skipped or unreasonable answer (which is on what this poor naif relies), or, of course, it can do nothing for a right answer, subtract 1 for a clearly wrong answer, and subtract 55 for each unreadable answer. It’s completely up to the teacher when he fires up the machine. Plus, of course, he can easily ask the machine to report which forms had unreadable answers. Indeed, it normally does this.

Most of my colleagues would get pissed at an unreadable Scantron, because it has to be graded by hand. I do. In fact, if I find a Scantron that’s been deliberately screwed up — with holes cut in it, ha ha, or filled out improperly, I just assign a zero to the whole thing. Zap! That works out very well — after the first test and a few poor fools are horrified by getting a zero (and there are always a few, who are are very shocked to find a professor is perfectly entitled to assign you a zero even if you know the material) — everyone is very, very careful to fill the wretched things out carefully and neatly.

So, you know, do what you gotta do. But be warned, eh?

The document doesn’t appear on Snopes but it doesn’t sound like any of it should work. Parents be warned! Your kids might be duped into trying such silliness.