Funny things kids (and sometimes adults) say. Somethings these make you say “Hmmm.”
Context: Evan, our 11 year old, helped me drop one of the cats off at the veterinarian for a comprehensive exam last Wednesday. Behind the scale is this sign. Recently, both our 12 year old and 9 year old German Shepherds died.
Evan, 11 years old, studies the sign: "Dad, I think our next dog should be a three, four, or five."
Me: "Evan, that’s not a menu."
Me: "Alexa, play the Ramones."
Alexa: *jams*
Groggy 11 year old Evan walks into the room: "Dad, could you turn down the music?"
Me: "What are you guys doing?"
Evan: "Sleeping…"
Cathy: "You’ve managed to redneck your whiskey!"
My eldest son: "Dad, the mower won’t start."
Me: "I’ll take a look at it."
Cranks on first pull. I report back to my son, "Started on the first try."
My son with holier-than-thou indignity with a touch of anger and a dash of annoyance, "Well I’d sure like to know what you are doing different than me because I pulled that string for 10 minutes and it didn’t start."
Me: "I put gas in it."
Tommy: "You were typing on my keyboard the other night weren’t you?"
Me: “Yes, I just wanted to try it out. I’m thinking about buying one.”
Tommy: “The guys in my forum got a good laugh out of that.”
Me: “Oh, your monitors were off but your computer was still on wasn’t it?”
Tommy: “Yup. You typed your initials and part of your name. Then ‘This would be a good keyboard for programming.’ and some random characters. I told them ‘Oh, that was just my dad playing on the keyboard.’ They got a good laugh out of it.”
Her: What do you want for dinner?
Him: *something* *something* *9 1/2 weeks* *inappropriate* *something*
Her: Help me!
Him: What?
Her, holding up iPhone: Somehow, I don’t know how, it recorded that.
Him, grabbing iPhone sees an audio message sent to…Granny.
Him bolts out front door to see Granny fidgeting with her phone.
Him opens door to car and grabs phone.
Granny: I’ve never received an audio message before.
Him: I think it recorded silence.
13 year old, giggling: I think Dad recorded something by accident.
Him: It was your mother and it had secrets. *delete*
Her: I deleted it but it just took a while.
Him: That deletes it off your phone, not hers!
Him: Awkward.
Me: "Do you want steak for dinner?"
Boy child: "Do we have barbecue sauce?"
Me: "Ok, sirloin for you."
Me: "I love you Amy. You are awesome!"
Amy: "Thanks. It runs in the family."
Evan, 10 years old: "Dad, I need you to do me a favor?"
Me: "Okay."
Evan: "My friends want you to draw one of those pictures on my lunch bag for the field trip tomorrow."
Me to wife: "You’ve made me old with snapchat."
Disembodied 10 year old voice from the back of the house: "Yeah, you are old" "hahaha!" "Get wrecked." "W-r-e-k-e-d"
We asked the 10.5 year old to watch something other than Futurama or Simpsons. He begins his breakdown as I try to find Animaniacs or Pinky and the Brain.
Me: "Do you want to play some cards with me?"
Evan: "No"
Me: "Do you want to play a board game with me?"
Evan: "No"
Me: "Do you want to be in the same room with me?"
Evan: "I’m going to go take a bath."
Cathy: "You are returning that funeral home questionnaire!?"
I knew things were about to get messy so I put on some rubber gloves. I worked it by myself but was getting nowhere then a female sales associate joined me. The two of us grunted, writhed, and struggled but could not get it in despite having used excessive lubricant on the rubber. The tip got messy and we had to stop to clean it. Then it occurred to me to put some lubricant on my finger, insert it in the opening, and rub it around the inside edges. After that it slipped in with ease and I explained, "It just wasn’t enough lube. You had to use more lube." I gave it three screws and was finished. Btw, the headlight on the van is working now.
Cathy: "Evan, do you have any self control?!"
Evan, 9: "No but…"