Reality Me

Category: Family

Happenings in a 5 child, 2 adult household.

  • From the mouths of babes

    I dropped the milk. The cap popped off and poured all over the floor.

    Me: "DAMMIT!"
    Evan, 4 years old: "Dad said dammit."
    Mom: * gives Dad eyeballs *
    Amy, 7 years old: "Moooom! Evan said dammit!"
    Evan: "No, Dad said dammit."
    Amy: "Don’t say dammit."
    Noah, 13 years old: "Evan, don’t say that. It’s a dirty word."
    Evan: "No! Dammit. Dammitdammitdammitdamitdamitdamitdamtdatmdaaaaammmmmmmit!"
    Mom: covering her face in towels to hide her laughter.
    Dad: hiding in the fridge unable to breath laughing.

    Uncle already! I get the message. Mouth meet soap.

  • From the mouths of babes

    Moments after I posted Dad Fail, Evan walked up to me with a question.

    Evan, 4 years old: "Dad, why do you always say…" He bent over at the waist at a 45 degree angle with his arms hanging straight down and in a deepened gruff voice, "crap crap crap crap crap crap crap…"

    It just went on and on but in the end, it turned out he was repeating a noise from the Nintendo DS Mario game.

    Please excuse the screwed up aspect ratio on the video but I did that in haste.

  • Dad Fail

    Nothing specific here. I’m just not feeling like a very good father today.

  • Life without a microwave

    My family seems fairly convinced that prior to microwaves, all food was served cold.

  • From the mouths of babes

    Amy, 7 years old: "I’m not going in my room because Sarah is asleep in there."
    Me: "Sarah isn’t in the house."
    Amy: "Then what’s that big lump in the bed?"
    Me: "Personally, I wouldn’t call my mother a big lump."

  • From the mouths of babes

    Evan, 4 years old, playing Wii, gleefully announces: "I’m Donkey Dong!"

    Okay. I’ll concede there may be some speech therapy in his near future.

  • What was that great sucking noise?

    That whoosh you heard this morning was air rushing into the vacuum of my checking account as each child left for school today with check in hand. It wasn’t until a few days ago when I watched the opening sequence of The Jetson’s Movie with the children that I really came to appreciate that daily moment George has with 16 year old daughter Judy as he rides the conveyor belt out of the house and she holds her hand out for some cash, the rest of which Jane gets.

  • From the mouths of babes

    Evan, 4 years old: "Dad, can you make me some chips?"
    Me, noting that it is 5:20pm: "No."
    Evan, softening voice, tilting head, and putting on droopy eyes: "Please make me some chips."
    Me: "No, I’m working. You have to let me finish my work so that I can make dinner. NO no no."
    Evan: "Okay. But please."
    Me: "I’ll be right up. Just let me make this one blog post."

  • Thursday’s Schedule

    Thursday’s schedule is fairly consistent.
    4:30am – wake up and work until 6:15
    6:15am – wake up Amy, the 7 year old and turn on everyone else’s lights except Evan, the 4 year old’s
    6:15am-6:55am – avoid the computer and focus on getting Amy ready for school. This includes feeding, prompting her to get dressed, making sure that Sarah or Cathy fixes Amy’s hair (I’m forbidden), and making a lunch.
    6:55am – Drive Amy to the bus stop (includes some adult social time with 2 other dads..a morning pleasure)
    7:15am – Return to the house and prod the teenagers to make sure the 16 year old and 13 year old are ready to go to their respective schools. Distribute checks in response to last minute, "Oh yeah! By the way, I need…"s
    7:15am-8:15am – Work which may consist of emails and the bureaucratic side of my job
    7:25am – Make sure Noah, the 13 year old has actually left the building
    7:30am – Remind Sarah, the 16 year old not to make her ride to school wait on her
    8:15am-8:40am – Get Evan, the 4 year old fed, dressed, and ready for school. This includes making a lunch.
    8:40am (this could be as late as 9am) – Drive Evan to his pre-school which starts at 9am.
    9:30am – Arrive back at home for programming. Sometimes Thursdays might be client meetings or sales meetings. Cathy does the afternoon pickups and child related errands.

    So if the 4 year old is supposed to sleep until 8 or 8:15, why is he playing a video game with his 13 year old brother at 7:15?! And yes, I did wake at 4:30 but after walking the dog I returned to bed until 6:15 today.

  • Reading Is Fun

    I love reading books with my children!

  • Of Being Dad

    Being a father is a lot like being a bank teller…during a stick up.

  • Klingon Dad

    Sometimes parenting makes me feel like Lt. Commander Worf.

  • Pop!

    A month and a half into the school year and it is time to replace a backpack. Any guesses as to which child’s backpack just had a shoulder strap break?

  • Of Being Dad – TP

    The center of the Toilet Paper roll is filled with Tooth Paste. I should mention that between basic needs, the fun of simply spinning it off the roll, making mummies, and doubling as dog chew toys, we use a bunch of toilet paper. Second to food, toilet paper is given the highest priority in this house. Rethining that, I might allow us to run out of food before I would ever dare to run out of toilet paper. To have the toilet paper roll flopping around on the holder like a flat tire on a car and simultaneously smelling bubble gum (flavor tooth paste like bubble gum and children brush more) was a little unexpected first thing in the morning. This is the joy of parenting and, no, tooth paste in the toilet paper was not in the manual.

  • We have a new baby in the house!

    Dear Knox County Schools, If I beat your fancy $500 electronic baby, does my son lose points because abusive granddad was raised in the 70s? Sincerely, I have 5 children I know what a baby crying all night sounds like and so does my son I thought I was done when Cathy said we couldn’t have a 6th

    Yes, we have an electronic baby in the house this weekend. The irony is that Noah has probably changed more diapers and spent more baby time than many of his schoolmates ever will. If this is demented sex education lesson on abstinence, I give the schools an F because we don’t educate through fear and making the wonder of life a thing to dread. If the lesson is truly about the responsibility of caring for a child, I give this gadget an A+. This is a cool toy and Mattel had better step up because my 7 and 4 year old children are loving it! The diapers even have to be changed! Oh, I like the fact that there are no Caucasian electronic babies because I’m sure my son’s absentee interracial girlfriend is going to be quite the buzz at the inlaw’s church. I wonder if Noah will have the wherewithal to actually turn electrobabe into the daycare instead of carrying he/she/it into the teenager’s sanctuary.

    Update: I just learned that the baby and Noah are more than a certain distance apart that the baby’s head explodes because Noah has an electronic wrist band secured to his wrist. Side note, you really should secure the bands a little tighter because I’m quite certain that I could slip it off Noah’s wrist so that he could help Evan get to sleep but no, we will be honest and I will take over for Noah tonight. Of course, I could get Evan to sleep easier if your do dad had a mute button! I must say that it is amusing watching Noah try to put electrobabe down long enough to play his video game only to have crying drag him away from the keyboard with a grin and an eyeroll.

    Update: Electrobabe turned off about midnight. I have the sneaky suspicion the program was set up wrong and we’ll be seeing this child again.