Reality Me

* Interview over. Went too well. I really need a fulltime job with insurance and I want it in town. This is gonna kill me even if it is only 3 months.

Other developers make a decent living from their homes. What am I doing wrong?

* Kids are out of control. I must go watch them. Snack time anyway. Phone interview in 40 minutes.

* Worked on php site and made good progress but did not finish. bathed. dressed. had lunch. stoked fire. walked dogs. fed and watered dogs. Went to meeting about php site.

* meeting went well

* came home, changed into casual clothes, stoked fire, snack. Wife now going to sleep to take care of her migraine. I really need to get a decent job so she can see a doctor about those.

* Ah! Worked on php site some. Must make it purdy before 11. Must take meclizine. I will probably be offered the 3 mth contract on the phone today. Crap.

* Read some in Diaspora with the dictionary in my other hand. Taught the 7 yr old how to look up words in the dictionary.

* Checked the 10 yr old’s homework. She had done 2 problems from one section then the last 3 problems from the previous, easier section. She got it all straightened out and didn’t argue when I asked her not to erase the other work. Made sure both heads were combed and at least the 7yr old brushed and flossed.

* Drove kids to schoool. Man is it ever cold outside!

* Stopped by Pilot to pick up a free lottery ticket. Got inside and realised how ragged I must look. Haven’t bathed in days. Enjoyed the scene and listened to the chatter for a second and left. Today is Tennessee’s first lottery day.

* Returned home, added wood to the fire–smaller sticks, trying to bring up the temperature. Fixed breakfast and am settling in for work. My mind immediately begins to revolt.

A New Day!

Let’s start the day off with a PayPal donation link:

This Morning

* I awake at 5 but cannot rise. Get out of bed at 6:04 and wake the 10yr old so she can do the homework she conveniently neglected to mention over this 4 day weekend. I walk the dog, start coffee, wake the 7yr old boy and get logs for the fire.

* 19mth old wakes fully while I’m getting the 10yr old — of course this happens on the morning I need to be working but she goes back to sleep.

My previous marriage failed because I worked too much (that’s an oversimplification). Our lives are now falling apart because I don’t work enough. I can’t balance life and work.

Last Night

* The 13 yr old watched history channel until 11pm

* I worked until 11pm and the database still won’t accept new records! php/mysql sucks.

* Read some more in Diaspora then slept at 1am

* Being overcome with tiredness

* I’m wiped. My php work isn’t done but needs to be presented tomorrow. I have a phone interview at 4pm AH! That’s good. The morning is open!

* I’m worried sick that my 19mth old is ill and I don’t have the means to take care of her.

* php code no longer submitting to the database. Despite over simplifying the code it still doesn’t work. I’m going to pull some hair out.

* While wasting my time with this php stuff the contract job is coming ever closer while no perm prospects show. The 19mth old seems to have a lump on her left breast. Of course, living close to Oak Ridge cancer fears race through my body and words like “PREEXISTING CONDITION” I am such a pathethic excuse for a provider!

* mind racing. stop. chew some gum. get to work!

* The walls are closing in

* Baby up. Boys taking ps2 break from their work. My brain is fried. I could use a nap.

* Lunch done. Baby refusing to nap. Wife tense. 7 yr old reading diligently on his assignment to learn who Daniel Boone was. 10 yr old ticked that she is having to work on her long term assignment. Me? I feel if I’m not careful I could have a snap so I must be extra flexible and strive to respond not react. Must get work done. Have suggested that the baby be left home so that the wife can have some relaxing time to herself during the 10 yr old’s psychologist appointment (10 yr old full of anger and hate).

Today’s transitional point

We’ve reached the point in the day where the focus has to change and there is more to do than the mind can grasp. What is most important? The php work. On to that. Don the headphones! Put on the blinders!

* need food