Day: August 20, 2004

* Destroyed my relationship.

* Picked up residential client’s computer for weekend maintenance

* Picked Sarah up from her first and last cross country practice. “I don’t like to sweat.”

* went to friend’s house to evaluate construction effort. Actually right up my alley and looks almost fun

* dropped check at back to bring balance to $0.47

* dropped kayak at consignment store..it might sell within the next year

* picked up sour cream for tonight’s dinner along with toilet paper (sorta related to dinner) with some loose change pulled from the couch cushions

* returned home to further piss off the wife

* Met with Scout leader to discuss my duties as his assistant

* Performed some computer maintenance for a residential client and received a payment that will bring the back to only negative $1.03 (think I’ll scrape together 150 pennies to get that positive 47 cents

* Discussed kayak with interested party but he wants a 5 hour block of one of my weekends so we can try it out on the water before buying it. I wonder what a kayak brings at a pawn shop?

* Email sent to overseas client regarding bid

* Scheduled time to pickup computer with a new residential maintenance client

* Scheduled time to evaluate construction work with friend

* Discussed programming job with employer prospect. Indeed, I’m not the right fit in this case. Great conversation!

* Put Amy down for a nap…rather, she fell asleep sitting up on the couch so I got a diaper on her and carried her downstairs.

* Got positive email from overseas client regarding bid but he will not be able to answer my questions until Monday

Next tasks:

* Return call to job prospect

* Try to reach prospective maintenance client

* Print marketing regarding content management

* Print marketing regarding computer maintenance

* Cold calls

* Sub-contraction cold calls

* Construction contracting to friend

* Kayak to local consignment store

* Eat lunch

* Bid for web development job

(none of that is in order)

$1.00 for an “Image Statement Fee”

I tell the kids we are leaving at 7:15. At 7:15 I find that Sarah is walking Amy to the car (apparently Amy put on her own shoes and stood by the door ready to go) and Noah comes in to get permission for Amy to go. Well, you can’t exactly say, “No” when it is already happening unless you want total anger and chaos. Silly me. I got total anger and chaos anyway.

Sarah gets Amy to the car and Amy won’t get in her car seat so I ask Sarah to return her to the house. Sarah goes to the house and comes back with Amy. I blow my stack declaring “we are supposed to be at the bus stop now. Get her in her seat!” Sarah says, “Well go.” And I reply, “I can’t. My kids aren’t buckled.” I used stronger language and that was wrong and inappropriate. I feel badly over my loss of temper. I am weak.

Amy settles. We drive to Sarah’s friend’s house and pick up two more passengers while Noah’s friend and older brother head up to the bus stop on foot. I drop Noah at his stop and offer the older brother the opportunity to ride in the car with 3 girls. In hindsight, I should have said, “There are three girls in this car!” Nudge Nudge. Either way I am pretty sure he would have said no and I really don’t want to encourage the boys until they get their half brain allotment at age 25. So I drive the girls to their stop and drop them off.

Sarah is either too angry to speak or simply fails to remember to say goodbye to Amy or Amy is admanant that she is supposed to be with the big girls today so we have hysterics as I pull away from the stop.

As I pull up to Noah’s stop, Amy calms. I get her out of the car and she grabs her Dora backpack and stands with the boys. We hear a train in the distance and Amy lights up and says, “I heard a noise. A train!”


Note that the shoes are on backwards but she did them herself and stood at the door ready to go. 

The bus pulls up and Amy declares, “Bus! Noah bus!” The four school children load up and I tell Amy to say, “bye bye” and she tears up. She then wants to play hide and go seek in the yard where the bus stops so she covers her eyes and walks toward a tree. Being on the slow and stupid side I pick her up and throw her in the car rather than letting her get to the tree, count to five, then run to the car. Learn. Learn. Learn!

In the car she refuses to get into her car seat so I close the door and get in the front seat to read the paper while she decides what she will do. She decided rapidly and promptly opened the door. Ok. New trick. So I find the child lock and turn it on (the older kids will love that) and I read the paper some more. I ponder just making the short drive with her unbuckled but that would be asking for trouble. I’m sure I let Murph down when I made that decision. So I wrestle her into the seat and she screams and cries. Once home I figure she will pop from the seat. I unbuckle the chest buckle and notice the enourmous amount of mucus pouring down her face so I go up front to get my previously Amy soiled hanky and she decides to rebuckle herself. Ok. Now she doesn’t want to get out? They get their “let’s screw with the male’s head gene” early don’t they?

We finally get into the house and she is not happy but not unhappy either. I think her cold just has her really down. Plus her normal daytime playmates are not around anymore.

All day yesterday I felt like I was going to stroke out. I mean felt it so strong that I went online to check the symptoms. The fibrillations under my right rib cage were constant. The pressure in my head so great that I felt like someone had a vice on my skull. My arms pulsing. At one point I half way doubled over when a cramp in my right chest cavity hit me suddenly.

Makes you wonder if you are ready to die? I look around and my house is not prepared for me to die. My files are not in order. My passwords not conveniently recorded for my wife. I have journals I am not sure I would want read. I have some innocent things that taken out of context might cause people to question my character. I am not spiritually content. What of my soul? There is no life insurance to help the family. We are so caught up in our own chaos that we have become isolated. We live as hermits amongst thousands of strangers.

Our life force can be extinguished at a moments notice in any nonsensical way. Should we not be prepared for death the moment we leave the shelter of our parents care? While under their care should they not prepare it for us?

All my life I’ve been a good person and try to go out of my way to help others often at my own sacrifice or expense. When I was 8 years old I had a moral delimia. As a scout, we went to a farm to ride horses. I was the last to pick my horse and I had to decide between the largest horse and a donkey. The event was for the scouts and one of the older sisters of another scout was there and would ride whichever beast I did not choose. Even though I wanted to ride the largest horse, I felt the chivalrous act would be to give her the large horse while I chose the donkey. That sums up the way I have lived my life. It is probably the act that put that type of behavior in motion for me. Of course, you could say I just let myself get walked on an used.

I do not know how to ask for help. I have been trying to get a job since the beginning of the year and keep getting turned down with excuses like “you are over qualified” or “we can’t afford you.” Now my family is down to the final pieces of our last roll of toilet paper and the gas is almost gone in the car. As a matter of fact, I think I’ve been so helped that my karma has run out. It’s time to go work at McDonald’s.

Had a decent bit of advice today. I was told “water down your resume.”

A New Day!

Let’s start the day off with a PayPal donation link:

This Morning

Went to sleep last night at roughly 12:30. Tried to convince myself to stay up and work but I needed a couple of hours of shuteye. Woke at 5am to lie in bed pondering how our last few coins should be spent–toilet paper and maybe a half gallon (1.8 liter) of gas. Thoughts shifted to “how can I get out of bed and get dressed without waking the dog because if she wakes before I am dressed to take her out then she will pee while I am getting dressed.” That thought bought me 15 minutes of lounging time. Rose at 5:40 get get dressed and clean up the mess that apparently some rogue horse snuck into our house and left for us last night.

I claim the dog is house broken. It now knows that once I take it outside, the minute we come back insides is the minute to empy bladder and bowels.