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The Onion Foresees the Future All Too Well

Can you believe this was published on January 17, 2001?!

Bush swore to do “everything in [his] power” to undo the damage wrought by Clinton’s two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street.

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

“You better believe we’re going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration,” said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. “Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?”

There’s more! Keep reading.

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Oh I Wish I Had Money! – Great WOOT!

Woot has a launch event today. That means they are the very first to be selling a product (via special arrangements). Today’s woot is a Vivitar 8.1MP Compact Digital Camera with 2.5-in. LCD for $299.99 plus $5 shipping. Ultra thin and dandy. If I could I’d buy 3 and tuck two away for Christmas presents.

Of course, at 8.1MP you need to give them a new harddrive also!

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Seeking Juggling Partner – No skills required

When I posted that I’m seeking a juggling partner in or near Knoxville (that sounds like a personals ad) I should have added that you don’t have to be all that good. Most people would say, "I’m not that good" or "I’m not good enough" and it makes me wonder what scale they are measuring themselves against.

I just need someone willing to commit to a little time. I had piano lessons for 4 years and once I showed up for my lesson and the teacher asked, "Did you practice?" to which I replied, "no." The instructor frowned, closed the cover over the keys, and said, "so what do you want to talk about?" The message was clear and left a lasting impression. So, I don’t need someone good. I just need someone willing.

The goal will be to do some passing for an audience near the end of the month. I promise you’ll have a blast. No. This is not a paid gig.

ps. Bonus if you look good in a sequined bikini! Oh no no.. That would be a magician’s assistant instead of a juggling partner.