I snarf down the last of my $6 fast food taco combo meal and feel it hit my stomach with such weight that feels like all the food I’ve avoided since December was simultaneously shoved down my gullet. This three o’clock in the afternoon lunch was a mistake but I had to eat. I read another paragraph in The Disappearing Spoon: And Other True Tales of Madness, Love, and the History of the World from the Periodic Table of the Elements
Day: May 6, 2014
A moment of bliss
For on this day, without the aid of Xanax or other mood altering substances, I experienced serenity. For the briefest of moments, all was well within my universe. Calm obtained. I held it. I tasted it. I bathed in it while trying to ignore the low rumble of the calamity which is certain to follow.
On Parenting
"You could have handled that better," my inner voice remarked snidely. I already knew that. Before the voice got close to berating me, I’d already given myself a mental beat down, replayed the interaction with the child in my head and imagined three better ways to handle the situation without resulting in years of therapy in the child’s adult years.
I will not make excuses. I am by no means the television dad that holiday portrays in the 30 minute sitcoms. Always wise. Always sensitive. Always knowing the best way to fix a problem. I also don’t have a room for of writer’s and editors.
I will not make excuses. Life is hard. Full of stress. I set high expectations for myself and the child. We are both learning as we go. By the time the child reaches adulthood, hopefully we will have both figured this out.
I want better for my children. They deserve better than me.
