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Guys don’t get it

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Ok. Here is where I mess up as a guy. My wife wants a clean house. I see the dog chewing on a dryer sheet and I think, “wow! I can keep the wife happy by throwing this trash away and keep the dog from getting ill at the same time.” So as I walk past my wife to get to the trash can, while I have one leg in motion she turns toward me and crams a bottle of spray n wash in my hand holding the dryer sheet, and a spray bottle into the other hand and turns back to her washing machine without a word.

Stupid move #1: Walking too close to a woman in task mode

Stupid move #2: Asking the question, “What do you want me to do with these?” Agast woman replies, “You looked like you needed something to do.”

Stupid move #3: Blogging this and pondering writing an essay on the subject of “looking like you needed something to do” because it occurs to me that rarely when I have been doing nothing have I heard those words. They usually occur when I am indeed doing something. I can only assume that my deaf ear is missing a word.

Let’s extrapolate:

“You” No hidden meaning there. I think that is pretty direct and to the point. No other words yet so nothing to read between.

“looked” Ok. Was I looking? That could very well be part of the problem. She has misinterpreted my desire to not walk into walls as ‘seeking’ instead of ‘seeing.’ Let’s see. Put it together “You looked” Hmm.. Past tense? Could mean she actually was examining me. Ah! Checkin’ out my bod! That’s natural, ok, and to be expected. Now the hard part. Let’s look for what is missing. “You lazy son of a gun looked” “You ignoramous looked” “You looked stupid” Not quite there.

“like” A comparison. I see where this is going. It’s sexual. She’s comparing me to old glorified memories of previous lovers. Remembering 5 inch Charlie as 10 inch John. Obviously this is a cry for more nurturing and touching. My baby needs a hug!

“you” see above. Except! Let’s read the hidden meaning. “You looked like you” So obviously she has this image of me at an earlier time in our relationship stuck in her head and longs for me to be that way again. As I picked up the trash from the floor I commited a chivalrous bowing motion that caused her to swoon and long for my presence to be extended. Since it was obvious that I was about to make a hasty exodus she had to confuse and delay me thus the placing of two foreign objects in my hands without instruction. Her inner thought, “that’ll stupify the moron for 10 minutes.”

“needed” She’s lonely. Not in a male sexual relationship kind of way but for a same sex friend to lean on companion kind of way. You know. Two women that can be best of friends and share secrets until one day they are being silly and things get a little out of hand then they can’t ever talk to each other but individually live the rest of their lives with that echo in their head “hey, that was kind of nice and he just doesn’t do the same thing.” But mostly I think when she says “needed” she is seeing my feminine side. Perhaps it showed in my grace as I swooped down to gently remove the dryer sheet from the canine’s canines. And she relates to me better now the way she would relate to that best friend. Cool! I’m getting laid!

“something” I’m getting laid!

“to” Twice!

“do” I’m getting laid!

All in all when you come down to it, I am pretty certain that “You looked like you needed something to do” really means “You looked like you were doing the wrong thing and I needed to correct you and have you do the thing that I needed you to do.”

Yes dear.

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