This just in!
KNOXVILLE (Rooters) The Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI) has re-enacted the Local Militia Act of 1775 to close all bridges across the country. Head of DHI’s Transportation Division, Mr. Jack A Sinine, explains, "we have over extended our National Guard so calling upon local militia to barricade our bridges and protect the public’s safety is cost effective and a boon to the local economy. Instead of having starving farmers on their porches with shotguns they will sit in front of the bridges acting as transportation routes officials limiting logistical security. After collecting a toll which helps pay for their services, these TROLLS will steer people to the nearest airport preventing them from crossing the dangerous bridge and allowing us to take the traveler’s fingerprints, naked pictures with our x-ray scanners, and document their every move around the country for their own safety. They are still free to travel anywhere in the country as long as they do not cross a bridge. For their own safety!"[Source]