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State of Me

"R-e-a-l-i-t-y–M-e" not facade me or social climber me or the me I want you to think I am me but The Real Me. As more people, particularly people closely involved in my life, become more net savvy, more Internet connected, more aware that these bits and bytes exist and are easily reachable, the anonymity from which these writings were birthed vanishes further. As I bump into more people IRL (in real life), who say, "I read your blog!" I constantly reassess the nature of the words that flow here. Granted, these words are but a keyhole glimpse into a much larger life. Even I am guilty of reading others blogs and mistakenly thinking I have the whole story while neglecting to read between the lines, accepting the exaggerations and embellishments as fact, and assuming something which could be fictitious as truth. The words become the person. Wrongly. But that is how it is. Not dissimilar to how we come to know celebrities by reading the tabloids.

"How are you?" That’s a question I try to avoid asking because if you wanted to tell me you probably would. The answer is "I’m fine." and it is a lie. The answer we give is almost an instinctive response; something we are simply trained to spout off. Cannot be done in this setting. If I write everyday, "I’m fine" you’d really have no reason to ever return. The truth of the matter is I am not fine and that’s interesting.

Some topics cannot be written. Family finance has to be off limits. Unfortunately, as a freelancer with cash flow that often looks like the readout on an EKG machine and a father of five children, finances are probably one of the most interesting topics I could write about. Hmm. I am sure there are other out of bounds topics. At the moment I cannot think of any other than the obvious non-disclosure type things regarding my clients.

What is the state of me? This weekend I fell into a deep dark place and I’m having trouble crawling out of it. My roller coaster peaked awhile back and for a couple of weeks I’ve been on the downside of a steep hill. I’m at the bottom. At least I hope this is the bottom! I am trying hard to turn my spirits around but this is a lot like trying to crank a stubborn engine, just when you think it is going to fire and keep going, it sputters and dies. The thing I need to do to get out of this hole is work harder and fast and furious. Unfortunately, that is similar to saying, "I’m in the middle of a whirlpool and things will be better as soon as I swim out."

There’s a dose of reality. Now I have to return to walking through quick sand.

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