Alternative Title: Is that a tentacle growing out of my wife’s chest?!
Incase you’ve forgotten the baseball metaphors for sex they are explained at student.com and teenwire.com.
Thank you xkcd! 
Category: Sex
The taboo. The eye opening. And the stuff no one wants to acknowledge but everyone wants to read!
I don’t understand tea bagging.
Apparently on April 15 from 3pm-6pm, Republicans and Conservatives alike (perhaps Democrats and other parties) will be meeting at the World’s Fair Park for some tea bagging. As much as I enjoy a good protest, this just doesn’t sound like my kind of thing:
Teabagging is … an erotic activity used within the context of BDSM and male dominance, with a dominant man teabagging his submissive partner, either a woman or a man, as one variation of facesitting and/or as a means of inflicting erotic humiliation. [Source, Wikipedia, Teabagging]
Just sounds like someone’s going to get themselves arrested.
See also: Teabagging Congress.
Update 12April2009: Seen on The Huffington Post- “Tea Bagging” Rallies Ruthlessly Mocked On Maddow Show
Update: From Paul Krugman:
the G.O.P. looked as crazy 10 or 15 years ago as it does now. That didn’t stop Republicans from taking control of both Congress and the White House. [Source, The New York Times, Tea Parties Forever ]
Justine Lai Does The Presidents
I clicked a link in one of my news readers today and was presented with a gallery where San Francisco artist Justine Lai has painted herself having sex with several presidents (NSFW). She’s a good oil painter. A bit of an odd subject. Definitely not safe for work. And I think Ol’ Abe is going to shoot her in the head.
Watchmen Review – No Spoiler
Cathy and I were privileged to go see the midnight showing of Watchmen last night. (See Official Watchmen website) First a note to myself: if you are going to act like a college student and watch a 3 hour movie starting at midnight, set an alarm for the morning. I lay in bed this morning trying to convince myself it was Saturday; then Noah’s whisper, "Dad. It’s 7:15" startles me from bed. Fortunately, everyone made it to school on time…and with lunches!
My Thoughts
In short: Go see this movie! But leave the children at home.
Astounding! Lighting choices, sets, camera angles, use of slow motion and stop action made me not want to blink. They sucked me into the screen and I did not want to miss a millisecond. The vivid colors and contrasts brought enough comic book element without crossing the cheesy boundary. The sounds were crisp and took great advantage of the theater setting. This movie certainly deserves at least one viewing on a big screen. The musical soundtrack was perfect falling into the must purchase category. The story was well told. The movie ran three hours and I was glued to the screen for every second. I may even go back and watch Watchmen in the Imax theater!
Rating/Parent Warning
Watchmen is rated R for strong graphic violence, sexuality, nudity and language. As you drop your children off at the theater to watch this movie based on a comic book, remember that comic books were not always written for children. This is an adult movie. Watchmen has graphic violence that may turn some heads from the screen. The sex in the movie is hot! And only outdone by the sex after the movie. [pseudo spoiler]You will see breasts, nipples, butts and penises. You will see blood.
History
Read wikipedia’s Watchmen article for a great description of how Watchmen came to exist. In short, Watchmen represented a stark change from how superheros were typically represented. Even the presentation of the comic book was different in style. In high school, I was a comic book collector and a huge D.C. fan. I visited monthly comic book conventions and had my own "pusher" who would advise me on the hot series. I was really into the miniseries. I found Crisis on Infinite Earths very exciting as the D.C. continuity problems were to finally be fixed but all the tie ins and crossover series burned me out on comic collecting. Unfortunately, I quit collecting comics in 1986 when Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns was released. My pusher insisted that was a story I shouldn’t miss and that it would instantly be valuable. He was right. I should own the first release of The Dark Knight and I should have Watchmen. I remember Watchmen, but regretfully, I do not think I have a single issue downstairs. Cool! Last night I dug out my old comic box and discovered I have the entire 12 issue Watchmen series in bagged in mint condition! I suppose I should say near mint; nothing is every truly mint. I even have 2 copies of issue 12. The desire to take them out and flip through their pages is almost worth more than the $250 the set appears to be going for on eBay. What I do have is the Punisher series but that movie was rotten. But I digress. Quit reading this and go watch the movie!
Today’s Glorious Spam
Today I got spammed on Twitter by someone trying to get me to join a lesbian match making website. Uh. I think I fail most of the criteria. You know. Like I’m not single. Cathy and I haven’t reached the swingers or wife swapping point in our relationship yet. Oh, yeah. I don’t have a vagina!
ps. If you are going to trick me into going to an adult website, you could at least provide a thumbnail gallery! Just kidding. I’m not conservative enough for viewing porn and I don’t live in Utah. (NewScientist: Porn in the USA: Conservatives are biggest consumers )
A sure sign you ain’t gettin’ any
Wife speaking to daughter: "Your dad and I are going downstairs to watch some television. You can come on down. We’ll be awake." No vanilla tonight.
From the mouths of babes
Dad: "Sarah and her boyfriend are going to hang out at the park today."
Mom: "It’s too cold for anything. They’ll be fine."
Dad: "You’re funny."
Mom: "No. You’re funny!"
Sonny…back in my day…
…if you wanted a random stranger to impregnate you, you had to at least leave the house and let him buy you a couple of beers first.
…In less than two weeks, I will be ovulating, which as everyone should know is primetime for baby making. The problem is that I don’t yet have a partner…I just need some good, hearty seed…I am 26 years old, 5’4″, 115lbs., long brown hair, well, you can see more details in the pic. I have most of a PhD in Biophysics and will be finishing my JD before the child is born… [Source, The Garage Sale Blog Network, My Biological Egg Timer is Ticking, Ticking, Ticking – Ship in a Bottle]
The skeptic in me thinks this is a great way to get some short-term, unqualified traffic to her blog. And of course, I just participated in helping her strategy work if that is the plan. Remember folks, short-term spikes in traffic does not necessarily result in fame, increased ad revenue, or long term readership; it often just causes extra cost in hosting.
From the mouths of babes
I like to change the picture on my desktop from time to time. I have two monitors and the picture appears on each of them. The theme lately has been family so I have had a variety of pictures of the children and Cathy as my desktop. Today I thought I’d try on something artsy. I went looking for a picture and came across a very tasteful, black and white nude that the composition just seemed far more striking than any of the other photos on the site. 30 seconds later, Evan comes strolling up to my desk.
Dad, trying to get an application to cover up the picture, instead gets an hour glass: "Hi Evan."
Evan, 3 years old, very loudly: "Nice butt!"
Dad, watching hour glass: *blink*
Evan, making sure Dad heard, places emphasis on butt: "Nice BUTT!"
At least the boy has good taste! Now, time to find something more abstract…
Odds are your wife is doing him
If you believe a study published in the Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy in 2002, flip a coin to see if your wife is cheating on you. Heads you’re okay. Tails then someone’s getting some..er, tail that is.
55 percent of married women engage in extramarital sex at some time during their relationship…90 percent of them didn’t feel guilty about doing it—they felt entitled to do it [Source, Men.Style.Com, THE NEW INFIDELITY]
On the positive side, a third of all these marriages survive! The study also said 60 percent of men cheat (maybe we aren’t supposed to be monogamous). So, getting quick with the math*, doesn’t that mean 5 percent of the women are doing 2 men? It seems to me that with a little open communication, and perhaps open relationships, half the married population would be a lot happier. Alrightee then. Now where did I put that keystroke logger?
*Yes the math is wrong. It presupposes that married women only cheat with married men and vice-versa. But it was funny!
Changing Careers
I have decided to give up programming…and become a beach volleyball photographer! Why? See: The Most Egregious Beach Volleyball Photography. These links probably aren’t safe for work. NBC started it!
Top 10 Ways to have a happy marriage
@RandomChick asks "what’s the key to a successful/happy marriage?"
- Never let your wives find out about each other.
- Having a twin brother, never telling anyone, one works/one is at home, and the two of you can never be seen together.
- Lots of money. Because money can buy you happiness! And it can buy you love. But if you want happiness in marriage, never use your money to buy love.
- Nannies, babysitters, Mary Poppins, Oh My!
- Two houses. She should be living in the one you aren’t remodeling.
- Date nights! Just because you are married doesn’t mean you should quit dating. Get a babysitter for the children and act like you did before you said, "I do!" And don’t talk about todo lists, appointments, or other issues on your date!
- Remember small things add up. Leave a note, scrub a back, do one of your spouses chores (that is unless she hates the way you fold clothes and in that case just stay away from the laundry!), or knock something off that honey do list you’ve been ignoring.
- Viagra + Zoloft + Depakote
- Read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
and practice it.
- Be married to my wife! (But be aware you’ll have to support me as well as the five children too)
Like the dolphins…only different.
Some people say there is a giant, mechanical spider in this video. All I saw was a topless red head.
For those that are wondering about the dolphins, read this.
Do-It-Yourself Vasectomy
In December, I set up a chipin campaign to raise money for an operation I promised Cathy 3 years ago. The vasectomy campaign ends in six hours and the Internet hath spoken! Either the digital world out there wants 1) me to have more children or 2) see a DIY vasectomy. As complimented as I am that you desire more of my DNA stay in the gene pool, I am going to have to go with the DIY vasectomy. The only question that remains is to stream via webcam or not to stream? And do I create a chipin campaign for pain killers and re-constructive surgery? Now where’s that Swiss Army knife?
(ala Rocky Horror‘s Time Warp)
It’s just a snip to the left
And a snip to the right
Pull the sack up and put the sutures in tight
No pelvic thrust
For 30 day ay ay ayay ays
Let’s do the vasectomy today!
D.C. Madam “suicide” – Don’t these people watch movies?
When you heard that "[a] court had recently found Deborah Jeane Palfrey guilty of money laundering, racketeering and mail fraud in connection with a high-end prostitution ring operating in Washington D.C." [Source, Truemors], didn’t you just immediately wonder which senator was afraid of having his or her super kinky dungeon fantasies revealed?
Suicide notes were found near the body in a small storage shed next to a mobile home…Palfrey, 52, was reportedly staying at the home of her mother…Prosecutors estimated the sentence she would have likely received would have been…about six years…She argued it was a legitimate, legal escort service. [Source, CNN, ‘D.C. Madam’ found dead]
The low budget spy thriller writes itself.
