Reality Me

The video (4MB 1:14) is just me reading the following which in essence is just a list of words so you may just want to save your bandwidth. I suggest that you read column one first, then column two, then left to right all the way down. In the video it sounds like I wrote this in 1988 but it was actually 1998.

Normally I like to leave interpretation of any written piece to the reader, however, I think this probably stands to have some explanation otherwise I could just randomly pick words from a dictionary and call it art. Hmm.. Now that’s not a terrible thought!

The following are straight from the journal (6 years ago) with the exception of one that required edits (it’s a journal!) and the notes of course are from the present.

Writing — Things

The "things" I was writing were my journal entry and the poem itself

Thinking — Change

The thinking "change" was all that had gone on in my recent past from marriage to getting laid off to starting my own business.

Dreaming — Deranged

These were thoughts of an alternative path that I could have walked with no debt and unrealistic fantasy dreams. Regret of choices made, desires to change them and imagining how different things would be. Demented thoughts.

Blinking — Dazed

The dreaming-deranged overwhelmed me and I spaced out for a few. It felt great to momentarily be nowhere!

Pondering — Amazed

The stepping back into reality after resetting my fuse and realizing the significance of many of the choices I’d made in that recent (and far) past.

Wondering — Craze

The struggling I did with myself over whether or not I’d made good choices

Wandering — Maze

I would get lost in my own thoughts and sometimes could not escape myself. It would be like the walls closing in.

Listening — Beat

I simply took a second to enjoy the music Border’s was playing

Hoping — Reach

My mind wanted someone to help me

Praying — Seek

Expanding on the former..a more spiritual cry for help.

Delaying — Weak

Recognition that I create my own Hell through procrastination, my biggest weakness.

Straying — Lazy

My inclination (at the time) to give up (note: an odd statement because I often don’t quit even at my own expense.)

Crazy? — Crazy!

Am I losing it? Through my own actions – yes.(note: of course I did not lose it for another 2.5 years)