Posted on 3 Comments

Regarding parenting, they don’t tell you these things

Nothing feels better than having a little guy or girl snuggle up in your arms, tuck their head into the crook of your neck, and totally relax as they fall into a deep sleep. The small child totally surrenders themselves. They give their full trust that you will protect them and keep them safe during their slumber. It puts you on top of the world!

Evan must have had a rough night last night at the grandparents. Either he was up late or they had a serious fun at church. Evan drifted off in the car on the way to the grocery. When I picked him up, he had turned into a rag doll. Wiped. Zonked. Gone! Playing in the land of Zs. Snoozeville. I could have skipped the store and gotten by on whatever is in the pantry but instead I parked Evan on my hip, gently rested his head on my shoulder and went into Kroger for a couple of quick items. Standing in the coffee isle grabbing the very last item on my list is when I felt liquid puddling in my flip flop under the heal of my left foot. I glanced down and about the same time I saw something dripping off Evan’s big toe, the left side of my shirt turned very warm…then very wet.

Something happens to the brain when you have children. The processing goes haywire. I don’t think we get dumber but perhaps more reactionary. For instance, in college, when your drunk friend starts to gag, you simply turn them away from you and give encouraging words as they turn into a human geyser. There’s not a parent on the face of the Earth who hasn’t cupped their hands and placed them in front of their child’s mouth in a similar situation. So what happened between college and parenthood?!

There’s four things that go through your head when holding a small child and simultaneously feeling urine run down your leg:

  1. Is it me?! (no, I’m not that old yet)
  2. Yuck! Pee anywhere but me! (This is associated with using both hands to hold the child as far away from you as possible. The child remains rag dollishly deep asleep. The urine no longer is disguised by your clothes but instead drips from the child’s ten toes resembling a garden sprinkler.)
  3. Has anyone noticed? (This is associated with the action of bringing the child back to your hip. Saying a prayer that he’s almost done. And hoping your cotton clothing is very absorbent.)
  4. Get me the hell out of here! (This is associated with running away from your cart and the puddle on the floor, and bee lining it directly to the restroom where you stand a sleeping child at the urinal while nothing happens.)

If having a child sleep on your shoulder is one of the greatest feelings in the world, having that same child pee on you in aisle 8 of the grocery stores is one of the most disconcerting.

3 thoughts on “Regarding parenting, they don’t tell you these things

  1. a few weeks back I had thrown my back out, my pregnant wife was having pressure issues and our son(15 month old) just wanted daddy and nothing else. I easedout of bed and took him so that I could calm him and get him to sleep. As im holding him in my underwear(from being in bed all day) he decided that his breakfast, lunch, dinner and every other contents of his stomach was better off on me and the floor.

    It’s amazing how you don’t care about how you are or what just covered you but rather tha the little guy is okay. As I shifted him to the other shoulder I felt the slime running down my back and the dog started to lick up the…. lets call it leftovers. At that point I started getting the ill feeling and it took all i could do to not replicate my sons actions.

    gotta love children and their bodily fluids which always manage to end up on dads

  2. It’s amazing how you don’t care about how you are or what just covered you but rather tha the little guy is okay.

    You nailed that one on the head! The things that today I don’t give a fleeting thought would have had me recoiling in unfathomable disgust 20 years ago. I am amazed at just how time a parent spends dealing with bodily fluids. A household with children should have a bio hazard warning on the outside of the building.

  3. […] Reality Me » Regarding parenting, they don't tell you these things […]

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.