Warning! Turn your virgin eyes away! The following allegory alludes to one of the three taboo subjects which should never be discussed outside the walls of your own home. I happen to be typing this from within the confirms of those walls so its kind of okay. Today’s taboo subject is sex! As for the other taboo subjects, I posted about drugs on Friday and post about politics far too much.
What guy doesn’t dream of his daily alarm clock being a beautiful nymphomaniac using the bed as a trampoline while yelling "ride ’em cowgirl!"? Guys in late high school and throughout their college years love to joke about their morning wood. But these young turks are single and naive for it is not morning "wood." The term is "morning would." Because you would if you could but you can’t because if you try you die. It’s similar to the praying mantis
"Placing them in the same jar, the male, in alarm, endeavoured to escape. In a few minutes the female succeeded in grasping him. She first bit off his front tarsus, and consumed the tibia and femur. Next she gnawed out his left eye…it seems to be only by accident that a male ever escapes alive from the embraces of his partner" Leland Ossian Howard, Science, 1886. [Source, The Female Praying Mantis: Sexual Predator or Misunderstood by Michele Doughty See also, You Give Love A Bad Name]
Or perhaps the spider.
in over 60% of cases the female then eats the male. [Source]
So in the morning when you arise, just observe your wife in her restful bliss, put the gun down, and go, uh, read the newspaper.