Evan, 5 years old on the drive to pre-school: "beotch beotch beotch!"
Me, failing to contain shock and anger: "Who taught you that?!"
Evan: "No one."
Me, hypocrite, liar: "I get mad at lies not mistakes."
Evan, confessing and ratting out his friend: *he says his friend’s name. It starts with A but I won’t rat him out here*
Me: *relieved that he didn’t say my name, his mother’s name or any of his older siblings. I really expected it to be from Noah.*
Category: From the mouths of babes
Funny things kids (and sometimes adults) say. Somethings these make you say “Hmmm.”
How children make us stronger adults
It’s a beautiful day. Snow has blanketed the landscape. The roads are solid white but schools are not canceled. I’ve been fighting insomnia for the past two nights and I am weary. If I can only get the children to school, I can rest my head a bit and still put in enough hours for my clients today. I drag myself upstairs to find my adorable little girl in the hallway, "good morning!" "Dad, I threw up."
She was good to me and made it to the bathroom so clean up consisted of a flush and a mouth washing. I settle her into our bed where mom can protect her and I take the five year old boy to school all the while covering up my thoughts of lazily sleeping in with the deception of being a good dad offering comfort to the sick child, "Mom and I will lay here and keep you safe." Integrity traded for another half hour of hiding under the covers! But alas…
Upon my return, my groggy wife is upstairs. "Your daughter threw up in our bed." My first thought, "oh poor child!" My second thought, "Wife is upstairs. Maybe her side of the bed is still clean." But no, by my daughter’s special encouragement, I remain a responsible, awake adult and head off to my client’s office [to sleep under the desk].
From the mouths of babes
Sarah, entering college in January: "Dad, can I have $1000 tomorrow? Oh, and I’ll need $17,000 in six weeks."
From the mouths of babes
Evan, 5 years old: "Amy! You know that girl on the bus who sits by herself and never talks and stares at me? She…talked…to…me! She really did. She talked to me. Me!"
From the mouths of babes
Evan: If I waste the batteries, daddy can fix it.
From the mouths of babes
Evan, 5 years old: "A rainbow is my favorite color."
From the mouths of babes
Two weeks ago we had the van professionally cleaned.
Noah, 14 years old, last night: "Hey! The van is clean!"
All this time I’ve been trying to figure out why teen minds turn off; I should have realized they’re just lagged.
From the mouths of babes
Me: "Have you ever read a newspaper?"
Noah, enters high school in a few weeks: "No."
Me, rejoicing that my saw actually does cut the angels I need.
Evan, 5 years old: "Did you know you’re talking to yourself?"
From the mouths of babes
Mom: "What are those bumps on your face?"
Evan, almost 5: "Chicken pox."
Me: "What are chicken pox?"
Evan: "That’s when you bump into something and get bumps all over you."
Me: "How did you learn about chicken pox?"
Evan: "I went to another world."
From the mouths of babes
Evan, almost 5: "MMMmmm. Dad what’s this?"
Dad: "Old coffee grounds for the compost pile."
Evan: "I like old. Wait. No, I don’t like old because old people don’t let me do whatever I want."
From the mouths of babes
Me: "This machine measures my blood pressure. See that blue line in my arm. That’s the blood in my arm."
Evan, nearly 5 years old: "Blood? Blood is bad for you! Blood will make you die. I’ve seen it on Noah’s game."
From the mouths of babes
Amy, seven years old: "Thanks for dinner Daddy. Without you, we’d starve to death!"
Me: "Well, you’re welcome."
Evan, four years old: "You can say, ‘my pleasure.’"
From the mouths of babes
Evan, 4.5 years old: "Dad. Can we buy a gold fish?"
Dad, thinking a gold fish is not difficult to care for: "I suppose. What made you want a gold fish?"
Evan: "I want to eat it."
Dad, realizing this isn’t about watching the wrong tv shows: "Oh! You want gold fish snacks."
From the mouths of babes
Amy, 7.5 years: "Evan’s got a bloody nose!"
Evan, 4.5 years: "Dad! My nose is bleeding!"
Evan: "Oh, it’s just a boogie."
From the mouths of babes
Evan, 4.5: "I want a baloney sandwich with no crust and cut in the shape of a triangle."
