My wife finally pointed out to me that for days I have been reporting that our house is maintaining a temperature of 85°C…C as in Celsius. To you Americans, if it was really 85°C then the house would be 185°F…F as in Fahrenheit. To put things in perspective, we all know that water freezes at 32 degrees because that’s when it snows. What we don’t know is if that is 32 degrees Celsius or Fahrenheit. I’ll clear that up for you right now. It’s Fahrenheit. And before you get your panties in a wad, we we all know that Fahrenheit means Michael Moore which means that if you get frost bite in freezing weather that you won’t be getting proper medical care unless you mortgage your skyscraper but really the only way to collect that money is to take out an extensive insurance policy on the buildings, help rig an election, then conspire with the president to help an incompetent wanna be terrorist, armed with guns he got in high school, blow up the buildings so that the president can settle daddy’s family feud then invade Iran. And that brings us to boiling which we all know is 100 degrees for water. What we don’t know is if that is 100 degrees Celsius or Fahrenheit. Well obviously if we are measuring freezing in Fahrenheit then water must boil in Fahrenheit! And we all know that before Michael Moore, Fahrenheit meant Ray Bradbury (why yes, he is still alive! Just like this guy!) which means we would be measuring the temperature of the water on Mars and since all suspected water on Mars (that red hot planet) is frozen then water on Mars must be 32°F and to measure its boiling point we would have to bring it back to Earth. Re-entering the Earth’s atmosphere is hot, hot, hot and quickly superheats the Martian water to 212°F which boils the water. Since 100° has become available, we will give it up to Celsius so that Celsius can boil water too. On an aside, paper cannot burn in water therefore the flash point of paper has to be greater than the boiling point of water. The flash point of paper just happens to be 451°F; paper cannot burn in Celsius. And concrete melts at 911°F.
So, in summary, water freezes at 32° or 0° whichever comes first and whichever has the greatest likelihood of canceling school. Water boils at 100° and geeky Trivial Pursuits freaks also know that 212° means something. 451° is how hot we got when forced to read a book at a time we were too young to understand the political implications and too distracted by the 451° cheerleader that we could only daydream about nailing. Celsius? Fahrenheit? Doesn’t matter because I know what I mean and you can bet the jock that got the cheerleader sure as Hell didn’t know the difference either! (btw, temperature in Hell is measured in kelvin)
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