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Ist what cha arrrr

Has ye e’vr used some software widout payin’ fer it? Has ye e’vr extended a demo indefinitely perchance? Are ye on day 238 of that 30 day trial? Maybe that license agreement was fer one computer but ye installed it throughout the house. If’n so, ye should click this link. A bit of a warning. Albeit work safe, thar be sound ahead! Tis gonna be loud and the dastardly thang is a might addictive!

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Need More Foreplay!

Target's aisle of protection

What exactly does it mean when a store’s personal lubricant section is larger than the condom section? I’ll tell you want it means! Too many people are rushing things! If you smoke after sex, you went too fast! Granted, a lot of lubricant goes a little way when you’ve got the power tools out for some serious earth moving. And if you are brave enough to search Blingo for senior sex you will find that Google returns 2,080,000 links. Mom! Granddaddy’s bouncing on Granny again!

So, are we being targeted by marketers? Certainly! Fill up the shelves and people that have never used lube before will suddenly start thinking they need it! Hun, I was gonna buy you one of those tickler things and they had this slick stuff for $16. Are more dried up crusty old people getting it on? Pfizer thinks so! Are people just getting kinkier? Darn tootin! Why else would prudish lawmakers in states like Alabama be trying to sway the tide with stupid laws that outlaw sex toys?

Btw, does anyone else hear banjos? Oh, nevermind, just a pig squealing.

Alright men! Repeat after me. If I am having sex on Friday, foreplay begins on the Wednesday before!

N.B. For people looking for the infamous some ladies prefer their tampons warm comment, it’s here.

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What is wrong with the air in west knoxville today? Smells like burning plastic.


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Unmasked

I may have been a huge jackass the other day. It did not come without great guilt. But it did make for a good story!

Did you know that laundry baskets have aerodynamic qualities and that when you angrily throw one down the stairs that the airfoil shape gives it enough lift to smash into your wife’s collectibles?

Noah was going to sleep over with a friend. When they arrived to pick up Noah conversation revealed we were on our way to the store to buy a new laundry basket. In 1977, Billy Joel explained that we all wear masks. We know it. Society has its demands. Scout leaders are supposed to be even tempered and fair to the boys; No one smokes pot except Clinton; And we all drive the speed limit except when no one is looking. Still, we put on our airs, wear the appropriate mask, and try to be Stepford (see also) when in public. Noah’s friend blurts out, "My dad was mad at me once and kicked our laundry basket down the stairs breaking it!" His mother was in shock! Her mask had fallen! So I dropped my mask explaining, "Sounds a lot like how ours broke!" and she relaxed. See, when I threw the basket down the stairs I was angry at Cathy. When I kicked it across the basement shattering the basket, I was angry at myself.

I like not having to wear a mask. Tensions drop and we can enjoy each other’s company so much more. Without a mask, we are truly accepting a person instead of the image we and they think needs to be portrayed. After all, we are all just human and no one is without flaws.