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Musical Boobies!

When my wife walked through the room with music projecting from her chest, I knew she had an iPhone tucked in her bra, but I couldn’t resist declaring, "Musical boobies!" and hugging her with my ear pressed to one.

Of course, she grinned and replied, "I knew you were going to say that." Then, when I attempted to dial in a different station and turn up the volume, she frowned.

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Awkward parent moment

Tonight’s awkward moment of reading aloud to your 8 year old brought to by Neil Gaimen in Stardust. I hesitated as I read with enthusiasm, "and her tongue slid into his mouth" but I bravely pressed on, "his hand felt her small breasts through the silk of her dress" huh? "touched the hard nubs of her nipples" Now wait a minute! Did I just read that out loud to my 8 year old boy in the presence of my eleven year old girl?! I flip the soft porn over and examine the back cover for an age recommendation. There is an S in a triangle which I presume means safe but I read the next paragraph to myself and skipped reading aloud the parts about arching, pushing, exulting, and not pulling out because she held him inside her with her legs wrapped around him.

Skipping to the next safe paragraph, I continue reading to my children.

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From the mouths of babes

17 year old: "How many miles does the Jeep get on a tank of gas?"
Me: "About 228 before I get nervous."
Son: sends picture of gas gauge pointing to the red just above E and replies, "I can make it to school."

It’s time to hide an empty one gallon container and a $20 bill in the Jeep. Nothing teaches one to respect the inaccuracies of a gas gauge quite like having to walk for gas.

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From the mouths of babes

Me: "Noah, do you want to go to your aunt’s wedding?"
Noah, 16: "Uh, I don’t think so."
Me: "Ok. You’ll miss out on going to King’s Island."
Noah: "Why King’s Island?"
Me: "They live there."
Noah: "They do?"
Me: "Yes. You’ve been there."
Noah: "Once!"

Dad fail! Perhaps I have been a bit remiss in traveling my children. I’m thinking it’s time to plan a vacation.

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From the mouths of babes

Evan, 7 years old: "A boy in my class said that all the money his dad had was $2. And his dad gave it to him!"

This could be a seven year old misinterpretation. For example, I have $5 in my wallet right now but that’s it and I could see my seven year old saying, "This is Dad’s last $5 and he gave it to me!" The sad truth is that most of us are one paycheck away from being homeless. Good fiscal planning suggests keeping three to six paychecks in savings but if $2 is all you have and your son needs that for lunch then saving anything is going to be impossible. The problem snowballs. Let’s say the $2 dad wants to feed his family and didn’t turn to Fish. Instead he knows he gets paid on Friday and since this is Thursday, he skates a check at the grocery hoping it won’t clear until after his deposit. But the bank processes the check first. Now $2 dad is faced with a $36 fee from the bank plus a $25 fee from the grocery store. $61 vanishes from the budget which is already not making it. Now the next pay period will be even harder. This is the poverty cycle.

I read something astounding yesterday.

The world’s 100 richest people earned a stunning total of $240 billion in 2012 – enough money to end extreme poverty worldwide four times over

[Source, RT.com, World’s 100 richest earned enough in 2012 to end global poverty 4 times over]

Read that closely. One hundred people could change the world.

"The richest 1 percent has increased its income by 60 percent in the last 20 years with the financial crisis accelerating rather than slowing the process."

[Source, RT.com, World’s 100 richest earned enough in 2012 to end global poverty 4 times over]

More power to them! I would love to increase my income by 60%. I would love to taste the lifestyles of the rich and famous. However, read it closely. "[T]he financial crisis accelerating rather than slowing the process." Why? Because in the past 20 years the tax laws and other laws have been skewed in favor of the rich. It’s the opposite of Robin Hood. The rich are robbing from the poor to give to the rich. Cutting off welfare programs will not suddenly make the poor responsible and bring them out of poverty; cutting off welfare programs will make the poor dead…which I suppose does end poverty.

I did not mean to politicize this. My point was that a lot of people, normal people, are struggling. It is amazing that 100 people in the world could dramatically change that 4 fold. And yes, Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, and others are already donating their wealth for good. I hope we can reach a point where no child ever has to say "$2 is all my dad has" again.

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How to make Mom frown

Curiosity Killed the Cat

Dad: "Noah come here for an important PSA."
Dad: "Curiosity killed the cat. Satisfaction brought him back. But only in a fable. In real life, cats don’t come back."
Noah: "Ok."
Dad: "But the cat came back for it wouldn’t stay away."
Dad: "Well, he came back in a song. But not real life."
Dad: "So, the cat has taken to climbing into the dryer."
Dad: "And if you ran the dryer with the cat in it you know what that would mean?"
Dad: "It would mean that our furniture wouldn’t get further scratched up."
Dad: "All joking aside."
Dad: "It would be bad to run the dryer with the cat in it."
Dad: "Because it is really difficult to get the smell of cooked cat out of cotton."