Language warning! I so relate to this video.
Cathy: "I smell a skunk! Oh, it’s your coffee."
When my wife walked through the room with music projecting from her chest, I knew she had an iPhone tucked in her bra, but I couldn’t resist declaring, "Musical boobies!" and hugging her with my ear pressed to one.
Of course, she grinned and replied, "I knew you were going to say that." Then, when I attempted to dial in a different station and turn up the volume, she frowned.
Evan, 8 years old holding 3 week old kitten: "You know how they say they always land on their feet?"
Mom: "NO! Don’t drop the kitty!"
In particular, I want to thank the love of my life, Cathy, for being such an awesome mother to our children! Additionally, I am so lucky to have been raised by a great, caring mother who made me a priority. I am fortunate to have a fantastic mother-in-law in our children lives. And I have a wonder grandmother who never misses a birthday. There have been so many other mother figures and mothers in my life and my children’s lives that I would have to type all day simply to recognize them all.
Happy Mother’s Day! This goes out to all. Mothers come in all forms, with or without child, regardless of gender, you are there for us!
One should not stare at his naked wife, pause, and casually suggest, "we should start riding bikes as a family."
Cathy: "Spit the cat out!"
Every Sunday my wife claims I walk around the house grumpy and muttering about the things that didn’t get done in time for the next week. As my vacation is ending, I wanted to try extra hard not to give this impression so I came upstairs with what I thought was a happy, good attitude. So where’s the wife? Hiding in the basement to stay away from my grumpiness.
Dad: "Noah come here for an important PSA."
Dad: "Curiosity killed the cat. Satisfaction brought him back. But only in a fable. In real life, cats don’t come back."
Dad: "But the cat came back for it wouldn’t stay away."
Dad: "Well, he came back in a song. But not real life."
Dad: "So, the cat has taken to climbing into the dryer."
Dad: "And if you ran the dryer with the cat in it you know what that would mean?"
Dad: "It would mean that our furniture wouldn’t get further scratched up."
Dad: "All joking aside."
Dad: "It would be bad to run the dryer with the cat in it."
Dad: "Because it is really difficult to get the smell of cooked cat out of cotton."
For Medical Malady Saturday, I tried slicing off the tip of my finger at William Sonoma (last night). Did not have a drop of alcohol, medication, pain pill, or other intoxicant. Woke up this morning feeling hung over.
As for William Sonoma, Cathy and I were looking for a shrimp fork and I stumbled onto their shaved ice machine. The store had fake ice in the bin. Someone had dropped a single plastic ice cube into the chute on the top where you would feed the ice. I thought I would fish the plastic ice cube out never thinking my fingers would make contact with the blade. I received a severe gash that took 20 minutes to stop the bleeding and seriously considered going to an after hours clinic to see a doctor.
The scary thing is that, unlike other machines I have seen which only activate when the lid is closed over the blades, this machine has a toggle on/off switch meaning I (or a child) could have stupidly reached the blades while the machine was in operation.
I bet the quality of shaved ice produced by this machine is excellent. Despite the plastic, it is a nice looking appliance.
So, the second I felt my finger contact the blade I yanked my hand out of the machine and shoved it into the palm of my other hand applying a lot of pressure. I knew it was bad. I told Cathy, "I did something stupid." She wanted to see but I was afraid I’d spray blood across the store so I walked to an employee and quietly and calmly said, "I cut myself on one of your appliances. I need to use your bathroom." She replied, "We cannot let you in our bathroom but there are bathrooms in the food court." I explained that I was bleeding badly and asked if she could kindly bring me a paper towel. She returned a moment later to invite me into their special kitchen in the employee only space (by the way, it’s like Santa’s workshop back there) but they would not allow my wife to come with me. I ran my hand under cold water. The staff were very kind and attentive yet seemed flustered. I suspect this store could use a little more emergency preparedness training. They couldn’t find paper towels. They brought a spray antiseptic asking if I wanted that. They didn’t seem to know where their first aid kit was. They offered a variety of "maybe" suggestions. Maybe this will help. Maybe that will help. I was calm and jovial the entire time. Several times I explained it was my own stupidity and "no big deal." Finally I said, "It’s okay. I’m trained in first aid." The person with me visibly breathed a sigh of relief. I asked for a dry paper towel noting a bandaid would not stick on a wet hand. We put the bandaid on tightly and added a second for good measure. They handed me a bandaid for the road. I filled out some paperwork. Thanked them. And promptly left the store. I’d taken the happiness out of our shopping for the evening.
Me, writhing in pain trying to remove my pants and begging my wife to help.
Wife: "Well aren’t you the special butterfly!"
Cathy: "Doug, practice your breathing please."
Best wife e’vr! Without Cathy, I’d be on the floor all blue in the face.
Cathy: "Spit the cat out."
Wife: "May I buy kitten food?"
Me: "If I say no, will it go away faster?"
Apparently, that was not the correct answer.