When using SuperGlue to fix something, don’t lick your finger to polish off some excess glue then lick your finger again.
Category: Of Being Dad
Fatherly posts.
From the mouths of babes
Most popular thing heard the night before a Boy Scout camping trip [both boys]: "I can’t find my head lamp!"
From the mouths of babes
Amy, teared up and unhappy with my insistence that she take a bath: "You’re mean!"
Dad: "Yes I am!"
From the mouths of babes
Amy, 6 years old: "Dad, can I have a push pop?"
Dad, from behind a closed door: "Sure but I can’t get it for you right now."
Amy:"That’s okay. I already got it."
Look out for the 53 car!
Looks like I’m working remotely via a borrowed laptop today. I am taking my daughter to the DMV to get her learner’s permit. She has already declared that she doesn’t want to learn how to drive from me because "that would be annoying." When I asked, "What wouldn’t be annoying? Do you want me to just sit quietly and let you get in an accident?" I got silence in return. I think Miss Know It All thinks she already knows how to drive and would just like to get behind the wheel and go with no one else in the car. This should be interesting.
Now, if you see the 53 van, one of the most recognized vehicles in Knoxville, swerving down the road, hitting curbs, driving against traffic, and running people off the road, it is probably Tommy or Sarah (or me texting). And we apologize.
Update: Failed eye examine keeps another teenager off the road. Our eye doctor won’t see her until October. Looking into other solutions.
Update: I’ve painted an old cane of mine red and white 
and am going to see if they’ll let Sarah take the test without the eye exam under the American Disabilities Act on the premise that she is blind.
Update: After many hours of struggle, a lot of attitude, a 16th mortgage, and two eyeglass stores later, Sarah can see clearly now..the rain is gone.
Who’s the crab?
One of the challenging things about marriage is relationship management. In the corporate world, we go to training classes, seminars, mentoring, internal training, and read books on how to get along. In marriage, we wing it. In work, you leave the people you "relate" to at the door at 5pm. In marriage, you are glued to each other non-stop. People are creatures of habit and routine. We come to expect a person to be a particular way with a particular attitude. Vacations wreck havoc on routines, bring a new set of stresses and the unknown. Our attitudes and moods change with a vacation.
This morning I felt rested and relaxed. Evan rose at 6:30am and asked that I rise with him. I thought I’d be nice and let everyone else sleep in. Evan and I enjoyed some time together watching cartoons, playing with toys, and eating breakfast. I was happy. So I thought. When Cathy rose, I noted to myself that she was grouchy but I said nothing figuring that her morning caffeine was not working yet. Then came a moment where she complained about how I was relaxed then became terse and crabby when Evan got up. So who is right? Which one of us is the morning grouch? Doesn’t matter. Once someone declares me grouchy or crabby I turn into an ugly person. My mind decides, "Why try to be nice if when you are trying its not working?" Karma gets me back though. In my exasperation, I went to the porch to get some air and the door sprung back in my face spilling coffee on my most comfortable shorts.
Were either of us crabby? Probably not. We were probably working two different agendas and our moods are different than the usual. Subconsciously we probably assessed the other as off and because the other wasn’t working the same unspoken plan, labeled them crabby.
It’s a beautiful day today. I think I’ll spend it on the computer.
I work therefore I’m a cad
I know a vast number of people who think that because I work from home that I don’t really work. It can’t be real can it? That’s just not…normal! It is not normal. It is harder than normal!
I love my children and a benefit of working from home is that I can take short breaks and play with them or experience their special moments. But the children do not understand what I do. I have not role modeled traditional 8 to 5 work for them and they are going to be shocked when they enter the real world.
I just sent Evan, the three year old, sulking upstairs and feel horrible for it. All he wanted to do was spend some time with Dad. He came down here happily and sat in the chair beside me. But I was unable to concentrate when he started removing things from my desk (like my pocket knives), playing in the ash from my incense burner, and using the highlighters for horns. So I snapped. It was wrong and I feel awful. Being a Dad and a provider is tough.
From the mouths of babes
Evan, 3 years old: "Daddy, I wanna go bitchin’"
Dad, removing the pacifier from the child’s mouth: "What?"
Evan: "Daaa, I waaana go bitchin’"
Dad, sitting down to type From the mouths of babes.
Evan: "I WANNA go BIIIItchin’ Daa!"
Dad, continuing to type.
Evan: "Daddy. We need to go bitchin now."
Evan, soft, extra sweet voice: "Let me go bitchin."
From the mouths of babes
Mom: "Evan, are you a boy or a girl?"
Evan, 3 years old: "uhnt, uh"
Dad: "Evan, are you a boy?"
Evan: "No!"
Mom: "Evan, are you a girl?"
Evan: "No!"
Dad: "Say, I have a penis."
Evan: "I know you have a penis!"
Of Grasshoppers
Student: I don’t think there are enough drugs in the world to make me feel good about myself right now.
Master: What would make you feel good about yourself?
Of Being Dad
Dear child, if you put chewing gum behind your ear so that you can brush your teeth, you will have gum stuck in your hair. Love, Dad
So where’s the Reality?
On the positive side, Tommy has graduated high school which is quiet a momentous event. This is the last week of school and the two teens are already out with the tween and young girl having their last half day today. I have been coding like a madman staying up as late as 2am and waking as early as 2am And we have entered birthday season. And with the kids out of school for the summer I don’t have to turn into a taxi quiet as regularly.
On the negative side, I am not turning code quickly enough to keep my clients in a happy place (but does software ever develop quickly enough?). I have a stack of paperwork that needs a couple day’s worth of attention. (TMI alert) I have not bathed in a week (it takes too much time away from programming) and my head is starting to look like Einstein with dreads. I have a squirrel trap in the attic building negative karma in my life with an interest rate that makes Sears look tame. Speaking of interest rates, someone opened the flood gates on that sieve I call a bank account at the same time the food shelves decided to run bare. Did I mention it’s birthday season?
I think that sums up the last week or so and probably accurately predicts the coming month or two.
Today’s Marital Advice
Never begin the day with the question, "Are you crabby today?"
Of Being Dad
My life is written like a sitcom. Today is critically important that I be working on a client’s project so I am trying to get the children out of the house as quickly as possible and they are moving slower than ever! Amy likes the Dannables yogurts in her lunch. Yesterday we had about 6 of these in the fridge. This morning none! All the jellos and snacks I normally put in her lunch are raided and of course I’d already cooked her hot dog so telling her to buy lunch today really wasn’t an option. I suppose the dogs would have enjoyed the hot dog. I decide to send money so she can buy milk and I decide on raisins. Raisins, we all know, stick together in the box. So before opening the box I shake it vigorously. Apparently the previous raisin eater did not secure the cap so raisins went flying all over the kitchen. I suppose Murphy is trying to tell me to lighten up and not be so stressed over today.
From the mouths of babes
Conversations that before you were a parent you never imagined really happen and in hindsight can’t believe you had:
Dad, agitated: "Noah did you go to the bathroom downstairs when you got home from school?"
Noah, exasperated: "No."
Dad, perturbed: "Tommy did you poop downstairs?"
Tommy, annoyed: "NOoooo Daaad."
Dad, disbelieving: "Sarah, did you go to the bathroom downstairs?"
Sarah, sharply: "Nope!"
Dad, grasping at straws: "Amy did you use the potty downstairs?"
Amy, lying: "Nuh uh."
Dad, befuddled: "No one used the bathroom downstairs but there’s a giant poop in it?!"
