I know you are a flighty teenager with boys on your mind and you know everything. Yes, parents are stupid. It is a miracle that we were able to figure out how to put tab A into slot B and produce a child whose intelligence far exceeds our own. I understand that we, as parents, somehow managed to live a very sheltered life and that in your mere 14 years you have accumulated far more life experiences and wisdom than we could ever hope for ourselves. Of course, we also went straight from our own mothers’ birth canals to adulthood so we in no way can relate to your teenage predilections (look it up). Now, I know it is a condition of our own ignorance that we lay such importance on silly, mundane things like putting clothes in the laundry instead of leaving them on the floor. Being organized helps our simple minds which is why we ride you so to live a clutter free and structured life. Do it for us! I can overlook the laziness of the clothing; however, please be sure to unplug your hair straightener. Being a dumb adult, I might grab the wrong end and burn myself. More importantly, being a toddler, with a decade left before he knows everything, Evan might burn himself. Oh, and since you already know everything and one day will be living on your own, certainly you can appreciate the fire hazard this tool presents. Wuv ya!
Category: Of Being Dad
Fatherly posts.
Back in Business!
Last night while I was putting my machines back in place from our temporary exile to Holiday Inn Express (no, I don’t feel smarter), I awkwardly squeezed under my desk with my chest across the case of my primary development machine, one hand on the front corner, and one hand on the back corner when a strong tingling sensation raged through my body. I said a wordy dird. Cathy responded kindly, "Are you ok?" To which I honestly answered, "No, I’m being electrocuted." She suggested, "you should get up." I explained, "I can’t." And she left the room. Leaving me to die…die! DIE!
And yes, I found the short and have since gotten my development box and servers working. My clients will be happy to know productivity is back!
A nice relaxing Saturday in a hotel
Sleep in! Play racquetball! Run the treadmill Get food delivered to the room! Turn the a/c up as high as it goes! Ah, what fantasy!
Reality: Go to a 7am Scout leaders meeting. Rush home and clean the garage for the a/c repairman. Help a friend move. Shop for Tommy’s birthday party. Celebrate Tommy’s birthday. Catch up on two days missed work. Do other personal work, paperwork and financial stuff. Remember to eat. I’ve missed something.
Of Being Dad
Break my heart! Evan needs his afternoon naps! But when I put him into the crib and he protests it makes me cringe. Right now he is sweetly (with increase aggravation) crying out, "Daaaaa Daaaaa DAAAAA!" He wants me, the bad guy that caged him in the first place, to rescue him. You know, if it wasn’t 90°F in this house, he might just go to sleep.
From the mouths of babes
Tommy, exasperated, after playing all day in our heat: "My PS/2 is overheating!" Then stares at me like he wants me to do something…
Of Being Dad
I love being a dad! You get say great things like:
If you are holding your penis in your hand, you’d better be thinking about what you are doing!
From the mouths of babes
Granddaddy: "Tommy, I’m taking Sarah, Noah, Amy and Evan to McDonald’s. Want to go?"
Tommy: "No. I’ll stay here."
They leave.
Dad: "Tommy, please find Molly."
Tommy: "Ok. Is Evan awake?"
Don’t ever be nice, just be nice about it
Stephen R Covey talks about climbing the corporate ladder only to find that its leaning on the wrong wall. Psychologists all over the place have publications explaining why good girls like bad guys. Nice guys do come in last. All my life I have lived very altruistically, and no Dr. Helen, I haven’t wanted anything for my altruism…it’s just a Southern thang. I am generous and kind living by the motto "wrong me once, shame on you; wrong me twice, shame on me." But in business that just gets you used.
More and more I am beginning to believe that I need to quit being nice. I can still be a nice guy without being a chump. Perhaps if I did less for others and more for myself then those around me would benefit more than having me help them directly. The words "not my problem" just do not roll naturally from my tongue. SEP!
From the mouths of babes
We found a calculator in Staples with the numbers in a circle like on an old rotary telephone.
Dad: "Old phones used to have this dial, like a wheel, and you would stick your finger in the hole with the number you wanted then dial it around. That’s why we call it dialing a telephone number.
Noah: "So like was there an arrow or something so that once the number appeared on the screen you could make the call?"
Hug me
Evan woke up on the needy side today. I live for these moments. He leaned against me and rested those tiny arms lovingly and securely on my shoulders then laid his head against my neck and shoulder. He wouldn’t let me put him down for about 20 minutes. No urgency. No matter how desperate our situation. No matter what deadline. Nothing could interfere with our moment! This is being a dad!
Of Grasshoppers
Student: Being a father is a guaranteed way to regularly feel like a cad.
Master: Being a father is a guaranteed way to regularly feel like a superhero.
Guilty Confession
I really like watching Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch Kids (see also 2004).
Independent Consulting On Your Time
Ah! The grass is always greener on the other side. If you are in the corporate world, you dream of working for yourself either as a consultant or having your own business. As a consultant or business owner, you long for the simplicity of an 8-5 job with its predictable income, insurance, and assumed stability. The dream of escaping corporate drudgery to freelance is often envisioned with copious free time, barrels of money, setting your own schedule, recovering vacations lost to corporate deadlines, quality time spent with the children, and cutting the yard while advising your client via cellphone for an outrageous hourly fee. The truth of the matter is that a consultant/freeagent has to plan for 20% more time than a regular employee. Yes, that means working for yourself you should plan for a 6 day work week OR 5 ten and half hour work days.
Attitudes change also. The corporate world might have some flexibility in hours. Some people may work 7-4 while others work 10-6 but the world generally expects the business to be open 8-5. When you work for yourself, the world generally expects you to be open 24/7. The world is also shrinking. Right now I am working on a project for a client who is 6 hours ahead of me. That means their day is over one hour from now and if I want that critical progress payment I have one hour to show them the milestone has been met. A couple of weeks ago, I was working with a client 11 hours ahead of me. I also had a client whose corporate offices were 8 hours behind me while their US offices where 3 hours behind me but I received the work through another office which was 1 hour behind me. If you do not set your business hours then it is easy to be sucked into world time and you can easily find yourself trying to be that 24/7 person (ie. exhausted). As a 24/7 person, if you work from your house, you could find clients coming to your door to interrupt dinner, find you in your pajamas, or sunbathing naked in the backyard. Set hours! Most importantly, respect the hours and keep them. If you declare an 8-5 day, you had better be working 8-5. Setting communication hours for IM, email, and phone will also help your productivity (I don’t follow any of these suggestions).
Now, time to defy the laws of physics and make an impossible amount of progress in the next hour. Thank goodness for the television babysitter!
Bad Dad
Amy needs some attention right now and all I can give her is "Daddy has to work." I should work while everyone else sleeps.
PG-13 means dick jokes
Thank you Bindlestiff Family Circus for making me have to explain "deep throating" to my teenagers.
Me: "Do you know what deep throating is?"Teenager: "Yes. It’s when you swallow something partly then spit it up."
Me, thinking: *close*
I enjoyed their stark stares of dread as they tried to melt into the upholstery during my explanation. They needed an explanation because it was clear they didn’t understand when they made a dozen deep throat jokes in front of the grandfather between the theater and the parking garage. Of course, I really appreciate the detail at which you explained the proper use of a condom. I have been trying to figure out how to have that conversation with them and now I don’t need to.
Thank you for the interesting date for the first half of the show. I certainly would have enjoyed sitting with Cathy but I suppose this is called a variety show for a reason.
Your show was innovative and right in line with the style I like to attempt in my performances although I’m more G rated. Thank you for keeping the spirit of Vaudeville alive. I had a blast! Of course, Danny would probably like to know that a highlight of the show was having the very Republican father-in-law sit motionless as the theater erupted into its most raucous cheering and applause in response to the very pointed GW Bush jokes.
