Dear Family,
I am aware that some of you are afraid there are monsters hiding in the shower so you leave the shower curtain open. I would prefer it closed. The benefits of closing the shower curtain after your bath or shower are that the curtain is less likely to mildew plus you can read that cool periodic table of elements
That is all. And thank you for your cooperation!
Love, Dad
Category: Family
Happenings in a 5 child, 2 adult household.
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Nothing makes you feel shittier
Nothing makes me feel worse than losing my temper with my family. Well, except maybe the flippant remarks made by me during the bout of anger. No one deserves to be yelled at. It solves nothing and tears are painful. Afterall, it’s only fucking grades. And am I really mad at the child? Or at my own parental shortcomings? Something tells me it is the latter so perhaps I really should be yelling at myself. Oh, internally I’m already there.
Parenting Means
Being a parent means on Saturday morning, before you are dressed, your wallet is already $60 lighter.
Things you don’t want to overhear as a parent
"Go. Go. GO! Is it falling out already?"
From the mouths of babes
Cathy: "I smell a skunk! Oh, it’s your coffee."
From the mouths of babes
College girl has come home for Thanksgiving.
Evan, 8 years old: "Mom! Sarah has different boobs. Sarah’s boobs are fluffy."
I’m really hoping I misheard that and he really said "boots."
More upset than I expected
We all have our time. It comes. It goes. I’m pragmatic. I’m stoic. So I am surprised at how upsetting today has been to me. I am also a romantic. A philosopher. The physical manifestation is just that…something expected and done. The problem is the metaphorical interpretation of today’s event reaches too deeply into my being. I require downtime. And distraction. But responsibilities have to be dwelt with first.
From the mouths of babes
Me: "Amy, I’m going to kill you."
Amy, 11 years old, jumping off the glass top stove to the kitchen floor: "Sorry Daddy."
Me: "Do you see that step ladder beside the fridge?"
Amy: "Yes."
Me: "Use it! What is the stove top made of?"
Amy: "Glass."
Me: "I love you Amy!"
Amy: "I love you too Daddy."
Me: "I’ll put that on your tombstone."
Either genius or stupid
Depending on your perspective, this is either a genius or not very brilliant solution to a cat problem. The kittens have taken to chewing electrical cords. At $80 a cord, Apple is loving our kittens. So, I’ve decided to train them away from cords…by squirting them with water when I see them chewing a cord. I think it is a spark of genius! One way or another, this problem will end.
Parenting with a squirt gun
I don’t hit my children but I do yell far too much. I’ve decided to quit yelling. Instead I’m going to carry a squirt bottle with me everywhere I go. If my children appear damp, don’t jump to concluding they got caught in a squall, but know their behavior has been corrected.
From the mouths of babes
My oldest son: "Can I test the spray paint here?"
Me: "You are standing too close to the house and our grill and other stuff that the wind could carry the overspray of the paint onto and cause your death. And I really don’t want to go to jail for the rest of my life."
Failing at life
Since leaving the basement in 2010 to work in Cubeville, I believe my biggest failing in life has been to not find my "Cheers" in which to get schnookered for the transition from work to home and vice versa.
Musical Boobies!
When my wife walked through the room with music projecting from her chest, I knew she had an iPhone tucked in her bra, but I couldn’t resist declaring, "Musical boobies!" and hugging her with my ear pressed to one.
Of course, she grinned and replied, "I knew you were going to say that." Then, when I attempted to dial in a different station and turn up the volume, she frowned.
Can’t trust tonight’s blood pressure measurement
I decided to start measuring my blood pressure again. I grab the cuff and there’s no back on it. The 4 AA batteries are no where to be found. Neither is the back (which holds the batteries in). You know, if you are going to steal the batteries..fine but at least but the battery cover back on!
I suspect the conversation was "hey, wanna see Dad’s blood pressure REALLY high?"
