Category: Of Being Dad

Fatherly posts.

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Thursday’s Schedule

Thursday’s schedule is fairly consistent.
4:30am – wake up and work until 6:15
6:15am – wake up Amy, the 7 year old and turn on everyone else’s lights except Evan, the 4 year old’s
6:15am-6:55am – avoid the computer and focus on getting Amy ready for school. This includes feeding, prompting her to get dressed, making sure that Sarah or Cathy fixes Amy’s hair (I’m forbidden), and making a lunch.
6:55am – Drive Amy to the bus stop (includes some adult social time with 2 other dads..a morning pleasure)
7:15am – Return to the house and prod the teenagers to make sure the 16 year old and 13 year old are ready to go to their respective schools. Distribute checks in response to last minute, "Oh yeah! By the way, I need…"s
7:15am-8:15am – Work which may consist of emails and the bureaucratic side of my job
7:25am – Make sure Noah, the 13 year old has actually left the building
7:30am – Remind Sarah, the 16 year old not to make her ride to school wait on her
8:15am-8:40am – Get Evan, the 4 year old fed, dressed, and ready for school. This includes making a lunch.
8:40am (this could be as late as 9am) – Drive Evan to his pre-school which starts at 9am.
9:30am – Arrive back at home for programming. Sometimes Thursdays might be client meetings or sales meetings. Cathy does the afternoon pickups and child related errands.

So if the 4 year old is supposed to sleep until 8 or 8:15, why is he playing a video game with his 13 year old brother at 7:15?! And yes, I did wake at 4:30 but after walking the dog I returned to bed until 6:15 today.

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Of Being Dad – TP

The center of the Toilet Paper roll is filled with Tooth Paste. I should mention that between basic needs, the fun of simply spinning it off the roll, making mummies, and doubling as dog chew toys, we use a bunch of toilet paper. Second to food, toilet paper is given the highest priority in this house. Rethining that, I might allow us to run out of food before I would ever dare to run out of toilet paper. To have the toilet paper roll flopping around on the holder like a flat tire on a car and simultaneously smelling bubble gum (flavor tooth paste like bubble gum and children brush more) was a little unexpected first thing in the morning. This is the joy of parenting and, no, tooth paste in the toilet paper was not in the manual.

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We have a new baby in the house!

Dear Knox County Schools, If I beat your fancy $500 electronic baby, does my son lose points because abusive granddad was raised in the 70s? Sincerely, I have 5 children I know what a baby crying all night sounds like and so does my son I thought I was done when Cathy said we couldn’t have a 6th

Yes, we have an electronic baby in the house this weekend. The irony is that Noah has probably changed more diapers and spent more baby time than many of his schoolmates ever will. If this is demented sex education lesson on abstinence, I give the schools an F because we don’t educate through fear and making the wonder of life a thing to dread. If the lesson is truly about the responsibility of caring for a child, I give this gadget an A+. This is a cool toy and Mattel had better step up because my 7 and 4 year old children are loving it! The diapers even have to be changed! Oh, I like the fact that there are no Caucasian electronic babies because I’m sure my son’s absentee interracial girlfriend is going to be quite the buzz at the inlaw’s church. I wonder if Noah will have the wherewithal to actually turn electrobabe into the daycare instead of carrying he/she/it into the teenager’s sanctuary.

Update: I just learned that the baby and Noah are more than a certain distance apart that the baby’s head explodes because Noah has an electronic wrist band secured to his wrist. Side note, you really should secure the bands a little tighter because I’m quite certain that I could slip it off Noah’s wrist so that he could help Evan get to sleep but no, we will be honest and I will take over for Noah tonight. Of course, I could get Evan to sleep easier if your do dad had a mute button! I must say that it is amusing watching Noah try to put electrobabe down long enough to play his video game only to have crying drag him away from the keyboard with a grin and an eyeroll.

Update: Electrobabe turned off about midnight. I have the sneaky suspicion the program was set up wrong and we’ll be seeing this child again.

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From the mouths of babes

Evan, 4 years old: "Dad doesn’t like me when I talk with an outside voice."
Me: "That’s not true. I always like you."
Evan: "But you don’t like me when I has an outside voice."
Me: "I always like you. It’s the loud noise I don’t like."
Evan: "No. You don’t like me."
Me: "I love you! I like you. I don’t like your outside voice inside the house."
Evan: "You don’t like me when I use my outside voice."
Me: "I like you! I like you no matter what you do! I will always like you. I don’t like the noise."
Evan: "Oh, you don’t like my outside voice."

This conversation felt endless. I remember holding Evan and trying to rock him to sleep. I looked into his eyes and told him, "I cannot wait to have conversations with you!" I love talking with Evan. Still, some of our conversations leave me shaking my head and left in disbelief at the words spilling from my mouth.

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My husband sense is tingling


I know..it could be that Cathy is bitter over yesterday’s overwhelming lack of specialness. But that’s not it. Something is amiss. Usually this means I am forgetting a commitment. Or there is something important to the Venusian that is not important to the Martian except for the fact that it is important to the Venusian therefore it very well better be important to the Martian except that the Martian cannot figure out what that thing is because it isn’t important to the Martian, yet.

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From the mouths of babes

Why fathers should skip their daughter’s teen years.

Me: "How are you doing on lunch money?"
Sarah, 16 years old, looks at me like I just asked the craziest question ever: "I dunno."
Me: "You don’t know how much money is in your account?"
Sarah: "Well no. There should be a few days."
Me: "Today, when you buy lunch, could you check on your balance please?"
Sarah, looking very put out: "I guess."

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What’s that smell?

Dear Deodorant Companies, please quit watering down your formulas to try to sell us on your higher price clinical brands. Your watering down habit has found itself into the clinical brands or your formulas just don’t work. I have a household full of teenagers right now. I can attest that all of you, Gillette, Axe, Secret, Right Guard, etc. stink! (actually I think its the teens that smell)

That’s enough of a rant. I just had to clear the air. Thx.

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Into the depths


Somewhere, buried deep in a box long forgotten in some dark corner of a long lost closet is a container of Novus plastic polish. I’ve promised the children I’ll fix all their scratched CDs, DVDs, and games. Today I don my adventurer’s hat, throw a whip over my shoulder, brush away some cobwebs and disappear into the darkness. If no one has heard from me by Monday, send search and rescue!