I’ve spent the day trying to accomplish something that should have taken 40 minutes and is preventing me from doing the things I really want to be doing today. Something that I’m not even getting paid for. I feel that I’ve been constantly interrupted. At one point I declared, "I’m taking the next 40 minutes and finishing this" during which time I was interrupted 3 times. So finally a crisis hit. Minor. The 7 year old, the 4 year old, and the dog went missing in the creek. Normally this would not be a big deal but we’ve had substantial rain these past couple of days. Also, I believe there is a sinkhole in the creek that the children do not know about. It’s mostly covered with debris right now. It’s not really on my property and I’ve been wanting to clear the debris away to see if it is the entrance to the rumored cave that is supposedly nearby. Right now, I simply know that water flows into the ground through the debris at that point and I don’t want the children near it. So I channeled Coach Boomer (which I only now realized is one of my heroes, Bruce Campbell!) for some echo location and proceeded to be anything except that great TV dad that I so aspire to be. Several tears later, everyone is safe but mad at me. And I feel like crud.
Category: Of Being Dad
Fatherly posts.
We are only human
Either she was wrong or I was wrong but it doesn’t matter because now it’s not right. Dammit damage control is expensive!
You can’t watch them all the time
I caught the seven year old giving the four year old a wedgie. This is one of those moments I feel for single parents because I could not respond rationally and had to tag myself out calling in the second parent. With Cathy’s help we try to convey that this breaks the "no touching between belly button and knees" rule. The question of concern is not why would you do this? but who did this to you? because obviously she learned it from someone. In my head I jump to the worst case scenarios and am horrified. I run down her list of friends and think of the opportunities where inappropriate play could be happening. We probe without making accusations. Amy relents and claims she didn’t learn it from anyone. Then why would she do it? This morning while watching the cartoon network with Amy and Evan, I have an epiphany; She learned it from television.
From the mouths of babes
Evan was cuddling lovingly with Cathy. His head was resting upon her chest as she held him. As I walked by, I stroked his arm as I admired him and continued to toward my office. As I hit the stairs, I hear an excited, curious voice exclaim in question to his mother, "Did you have 3 hands!?"
From the mouths of babes
While I was playing cards (concentration) with Evan:
Evan, 4 years old: "Pause the game. I’ll be right back."
The day thus far
At 5am, I pointed out the time to a child brushing his teeth in the bathroom. He was quiet in the at a construction site kind of way and the two of us agreed he needed to get a little more sleep before the entire house wakes up. I proceed to finish troubleshooting a client’s website that inexplicably wasn’t updating the database after being moved from Linux hosting to Windows hosting. After some fiddling, the problem was solved before breakfast. The teenager had one of those learning by doing moments, "uh, Dad. What do you do if you accidentally slept with a contact in and now it won’t come out?" Two hours later and a whole bottle of saline, I receive a text message that the contact has come out. I don’t think she’ll be sleeping with a contact in anymore. We still have a friend with a child with 104° fever. Despite all the other kids in the troop getting the confirmation of Type A flu "more than likely h1n1 swine flu but we don’t test for it and the cdc isn’t interested in it anymore and the health department doesn’t want to hear about it" this child’s pediatrician says its something else. The pede is wrong! The mother and the daughter remain quarantined staying at the grandparent’s last night. The daughter returned to our house this morning. She and Amy were the only children here for several days. Now that the other children are home, it’ll be interesting to see how everyone gets along. The dynamic is certainly different and Evan is doing his best to be the stereotypical annoying little brother. I’ve retreated to my dungeon and will now hide in my headphones and frantically try to get points plotted on a graphic today so that I can do some neato stuff for an application that must shine shine shine this Saturday.
Swine Flu May Be In The House
We have a child in quarantine. Several scouts in our troop have come down with Type A flu. Type A flu is not necessarily H1N1 but likely to be. More details after I finish my programming. This has caused great soap opera quality drama. Cathy will likely post information before me at either Domestic Psychology or on Twitter here.
Boy Scout Camp Ends Early
Two of the scouts in our troop fell ill. In swine-flu paranoia, our troop was quarantined and are being sent home early. Instead of taking the two sick children to the local hospital for confirmation of the nature of the illness, the camp isolated them in the health lodge and confirmed our scouts to their camp. I do not know if today’s activities were canceled. I suspect that Noah only gets 1 out of 3 days actually riding a horse, an activity he paid extra for participation. I feel Noah was cheated. Not over the horse but for potentially losing all of today’s activities, for being separated from the rest of the camp unable to dine in the mess hall or participate in the week’s ending ceremonies, for losing all of tomorrow’s activities, and for losing Saturday’s morning. I understand risk management. I understand the need to prevent a flu outbreak. I also understand the importance of living our lives in a non-reactionary, logical way. My initial feelings are this was handled wrongly. I’ll learn more tomorrow.
There is reason for the paranoia. The WHO has declared that the H1N1 virus is "unstoppable" and that every country needs to vaccinate its citizens against the swine flu. Interestingly enough, the WHO is no longer counting individual cases. Anyone need a mask
Update 17 July 2009: The quarantine has been lifted. The temperatures on the two sick children came down which is not typical of h1n1. Those boys went home last night and this morning no one else showed any symptoms. Good call CDB!
Safeplace
An upset friend of one of the teenagers landed on our doorstep. It makes me happy to know that they feel comfortable enough to come here.
Away with no cellphone signal
The 13 year old boy left this morning for a week of adventure including fishing, orienteering, rock climbing, wilderness survival, and canoeing at Boy Scout Camp Daniel Boone. The 7 year old girl left a few minutes ago for 3 days of adventure at Girl Scout Camp Tanasi. They are both thrilled. I wish I could be with them to see their happiness, watch them work through their fears and learning, hear their giggles, and to get some camping in myself. I know they will both have a fantastic time!
Sarah comforting Amy during Amy’s first trip to Tanasi
I’m a condom commercial redux
We took the feral child to Target. I know. We have a reputation at Target. Management has explained that we aren’t allowed to leave our children overnight and we’ve caused other stinks. Mostly we are loud.
The cousins are in town so we joined them and the grandparents for dinner at Chuck E Cheese. Tokens were mashed into money munching machines maniacally. The seven children ranging from just walking to just driving ran, danced, climbed, made funny faces, chased, giggled, and had a great time. We left Chuck E Cheese with much daylight remaining and decided to swing over to the West Hills Park. Naturally, there was juggling! The children played hard and further exhausted themselves.
On the way home, we reluctantly decided to stop by Target. With exhausted children, this could be disastrous. 20 feet into the door, Evan tries to wear some slippers he found on an endcap and when denied, broke down into screams and tears. I heft him up into my arms and carry him outside. I offer to take him to the car but he pulls it together slightly and we reenter the store. Evan is completely overdone so I decide to carry him on my hip. He doesn’t like this.
We each have our assignments. Noah shops for Cliff bars for his week of Boy Scout camp. Sarah searches for a video game to buy with the last of her birthday money. Cathy picks up shampoo. And Evan and I go for condoms.
Only one thing is more fun than taking a screaming child down the condom aisle. That one thing would be taking a screaming child down the condom aisle, saying "excuse me" as you reach over the other customer to grab a large bottle of Astroglide (click for a free sample) (see also Facebook and Twitter), grabbing a large box of Durex condoms as the child changes from screams to manic laughter and headbutts you, "Ow Dad! That hurt my head!" then watching the other customer hastily grab the nearest pregnancy test and run to get out of the aisle. Oh, of course, seeing the lady return muttering, "I didn’t know you could buy the wrong one." added to my amusement. I tried hard to say anything to her but couldn’t with a straight face. Evan and I make a good condom ad.
Evan has had it. Sitting on my shoulders often helps so up he goes. This gives him access to the top shelves where he grabs a box of band aids from here and leaves it over there. Of course, I cannot see what he’s doing. I mostly steer for the center of the aisles to keep his hands away from products. Sarah has disappeared with the shopping cart so here I am in the main aisle of Target with a screaming, squirming child on my shoulders, left hand holding the gallon sized container of Astroglide, and right hand holding a year’s supply of Durex condoms. Remember, I only had one penny donated toward a vasectomy and the DIY operation was canceled. I reach the checkouts. Evan is mad! We walked past his favorite toy and I would not let him down to play with it. Evan says, "I’m going to sit in your hair." He’s already sitting on my shoulders. Is sitting on my head an attempt to get down? He says it again, "I’m going to sit in your hair!" My eyes bug out. Spit! I turn to Cathy, "He’s going to spit in my hair!" Cathy, "How do you know that?" I feel the feral child bend at has waist. Sarah clasps her hand over her mouth, her eyes water and face goes red with laughter. Cathy laughs aloud. And the lady with the pregnancy test at checkout 6 hastily signs her receipt and runs from the store!
Child Protective Services – Don’t read this
Here’s some additional information about the rolla bolla from my comment on Cathy’s flickr set:
I now get to tell a story which may or may not add a little bit of a technical appreciation for what’s happening in this picture. My rolla bolla freaks other jugglers out. Mine is completely homemade. It uses a 4 inch diameter thick pvc pipe. The board itself happens to be exactly the same length as a shelf in a homemade bookcase I built for my dorm room in college because it is one the shelves which happen to be precisely 19 inches in length. Most jugglers are more accustomed to using rolla bollas closer to 3 feet long. For instance, Dube’s is 29 inches (btw, there’s your spec).
Juggling is all about physics. This is center of gravity trick. The longer the board, the greater the center of gravity. In essence, if you drew a line from the ground up to the top of your head (or the head fo the person on your shoulders) that divided your torso symmetrically and simply made sure that line never passed over your foot, you would never fall down. Since my board is so short, there is very little room for error. One way to cheat the physics is to use a larger diameter piece of pvc but frankly the 5 inch pvc tends to flatten a little taking away from the visual effect (in addition to simply being disproportionate to the other equipment and plain ugly).
Regarding the pvc when making a homemade rolla bolla. I learned the hardway that the pvc pipe should be the same width as the board (or slightly larger). If it is smaller you create a third degree of freedom and you might as well be doing this trick on top of a ball.
Don’t use those stupid stoppers on the bottom of your board! If you look at the Dube rolla bolla you will see that the underside of the board has stops at each end. This prevents the board from flying at high velocity to your left or right severely hurting people. Instead the board stops and you go flying at high velocity to the left or right breaking yourself and the people standing beside you. When we were first learning this trick. My brother fell off the board and sent it flying into a filing cabinet. 3 days later we were still trying to open the drawer. Without the stoppers you can safely take the board to the very edge without falling. I mean the very edge being exactly at the halfway point on the pvc pipe. Instead of the stoppers, control your board.
You can break things with a rolla bolla! These things may include: glass, bones, teeth, spines, and metal cabinets. When learning to stand on a rolla bolla do these things:
- Get a partner! Have the partner stand behind you with their arms underneath your armpits but not touching you. When you fall, they will spot you and keep you from breaking yourself
- Make sure your feet are at the edges of the board.
- Wear shoes!
- Practice daily in short spurts
- Start with the board touching the ground on one side and about one third of the board on the pipe. Starting by jumping up to a horizontally balanced board is cool and fun but an advanced trick that will land a beginner on their hind side.
The rolla bolla will increase your balance, develop your abs and back, and tighten your buttocks.
Warnings!
- Don’t let people stand to your left or right. I cannot emphasize this enough.
- If you fall…er…when you fall, think of yourself as being on a skate board or inline skate. Protect your wrists! Better to belly flop on concrete than to impact your wrist, elbows and knees
I will happily get together with anyone that wants help learning the rolla bolla.
From the mouths of babes
Evan, 4 years old: "Dad, I gotta go!"
In case you are unaware of why you teach your children to walk, it’s so they can run away. Embrace them at every opportunity. There will come a day you have to let them go.
Spidey’s in da house!
Regarding parenting, they don’t tell you these things
Nothing feels better than having a little guy or girl snuggle up in your arms, tuck their head into the crook of your neck, and totally relax as they fall into a deep sleep. The small child totally surrenders themselves. They give their full trust that you will protect them and keep them safe during their slumber. It puts you on top of the world!
Evan must have had a rough night last night at the grandparents. Either he was up late or they had a serious fun at church. Evan drifted off in the car on the way to the grocery. When I picked him up, he had turned into a rag doll. Wiped. Zonked. Gone! Playing in the land of Zs. Snoozeville. I could have skipped the store and gotten by on whatever is in the pantry but instead I parked Evan on my hip, gently rested his head on my shoulder and went into Kroger for a couple of quick items. Standing in the coffee isle grabbing the very last item on my list is when I felt liquid puddling in my flip flop under the heal of my left foot. I glanced down and about the same time I saw something dripping off Evan’s big toe, the left side of my shirt turned very warm…then very wet.
Something happens to the brain when you have children. The processing goes haywire. I don’t think we get dumber but perhaps more reactionary. For instance, in college, when your drunk friend starts to gag, you simply turn them away from you and give encouraging words as they turn into a human geyser. There’s not a parent on the face of the Earth who hasn’t cupped their hands and placed them in front of their child’s mouth in a similar situation. So what happened between college and parenthood?!
There’s four things that go through your head when holding a small child and simultaneously feeling urine run down your leg:
- Is it me?! (no, I’m not that old yet)
- Yuck! Pee anywhere but me! (This is associated with using both hands to hold the child as far away from you as possible. The child remains rag dollishly deep asleep. The urine no longer is disguised by your clothes but instead drips from the child’s ten toes resembling a garden sprinkler.)
- Has anyone noticed? (This is associated with the action of bringing the child back to your hip. Saying a prayer that he’s almost done. And hoping your cotton clothing is very absorbent.)
- Get me the hell out of here! (This is associated with running away from your cart and the puddle on the floor, and bee lining it directly to the restroom where you stand a sleeping child at the urinal while nothing happens.)
If having a child sleep on your shoulder is one of the greatest feelings in the world, having that same child pee on you in aisle 8 of the grocery stores is one of the most disconcerting.
