Dora the Explorer trumps Sunny Patch..in case you were wondering.
I have been trying hard to limit the children’s television time these past couple of days. Evan…rather I…am getting a break while he watches some tv.
Category: Of Being Dad
Fatherly posts.
SuperDad!
This sippy had chocolate milk in it yesterday so we can just rinse it out and put more chocolate milk in it right?
I took Evan to the IRS office today in the John Duncan Building and we played with cannons, walked a maze in the courtyard of one of my favorite downtown churches, played on benches, took pictures with statues, and generally had a nice little adventure downtown. Almost got our paperwork turned in too! Time to call the levy department and beg one more day then get back to coding.
From the mouths of babes
My son has a love/hate relationship with our Roomba. He loves to start it and watch as long as someone else drags it out of the Roomba hiding spot but he still finds it the robot scary. This morning, the brisk air outside and the full moon made the dogs extra frisky so as they wrestled they simply ignored the Roomba trying to join in the game by bouncing off their feet.
Evan: "Robot clean Molly and Dharma!"
Now why did this child wake up at 7:15am? I was really hoping he would sleep in! Thank goodness he does self-play really well. He and I will have an adventure today as I will take him to the IRS office in the John Duncan Federal Building. "And Homeland Security detained a local man after his feral children ran rampant through security…"
And they throw me curve balls
I woke this morning to be reminded we were out of milk. How does a single parent buy milk without being negligent? Fortunately the house was still asleep. Before slipping out, I woke Amy to let her know that I running to Weigel’s and back (5 minutes). The moon was very full and beautiful this morning! As I returned with milk, the check engine light on the dashboard lit. Looks like Evan and I will be slipping in a trip to Autozone for a free reading of what the computer is telling as well as an air filter. I walked in the door to find Amy fed and dressed!
From the mouths of babes
Dad, downstairs: "What is burning?"
Noah, upstairs: "Should I let the dogs out?"
The scream was like a banshee in pain
The house quieted. Evan declared, "Give me bop. I go bed now." And with a little reluctance, he put himself to sleep. Noah coaxed Amy to bed but she sprang back after he slipped out to read a book. In the meantime, I took the dogs outside and sat on the porch, shirtless to enjoy the cool evening air with no mosquitoes and chant. Shortly into chanting, the peaceful neighborhood with its waxing gibbous moon (96% full) being sung to by crickets erupted into a cacophony of barks and howls. I continued to chant and Dharma and Molly, my German Shepherds, sat silently alert. Then there was the shriek! Altogether to close! Thanks to our camping in the Okefenokee, I am quiet familiar with the sound of fighting raccoon and I do not want my dogs tangling with one of those. Chanting ends. I usher the dogs inside to find Amy having trouble sleeping so we go to her bed and chant together until she is calm enough to sleep.
And the girls are gone!
Cathy and Sarah along with Missy took off this morning in a decked out Saturn Vue loaned to them by GM to attend BlogHer in Washington, DC. Today was also my deadline for getting my IRS paperwork straightened out before they begin levying bank accounts again. Despite my pleas for one more week, they wouldn’t budge. Fortunately since today is a Sunday and tomorrow is a federal holiday, I have until Tuesday to turn the papers in. For a variety of reasons from "I didn’t feel like it that year" to "Cathy’s name didn’t match the records at the Social Security Department," I had missing or rejected IRS tax returns from 2002, 2003, 2004, and 2006. This makes Uncle Sam not like you. And when Uncle Sam doesn’t like you, he takes away a bunch of your money in fees, interest, penalties, and brute force.
The paperwork is straightened out. Amy has been to a birthday party. Evan and Noah to the circus with the grandparents. Noah is nursing a migraine. Amy and Evan are playing. And I’m programming (think I’ll slip some dinner in somewhere).
Of Being Dad
This morning was cool…until I got up. Cathy swapped roles with me this morning and got the children ready for school. What a relaxing way to start the day! I allowed myself 20 extra minutes of sleep then calmly got dressed and went upstairs to lend a hand by making Amy’s lunch. We were right on time to make the bus but pushing it. I had a simple plan: Amy and I run to the van and get to the bus stop. I remind the air, "Don’t let Dharma out!" It has been raining and I don’t have time to clean her feet for a van ride and still be able to get Amy to school. Then Evan runs into the kitchen with sticky buns caked to his hands. I exclaim, "Go wash your hands" but he needs help and no one is moving his direction. Cathy and I simultaneously take him to the bathroom and wash his hands. Suddenly Evan is to be a passenger. I’m watching the clock tick knowing that we are at a coin flip on making the bus or not. We rush to the front door and it magically opens and Dharma shoots out. I lunge for her and miss and she lands paws in the mud then digs in to race to the van. I lose it. I engage chase and booming voice (sorry neighbors). Dharma does something new, and hides under the van. All I picture is a dog that now needs a bath on a day that I don’t need distractions. She won’t come out so I honk the horn (sorry neighbors), yell, toss some rocks, why am I still trying to make the bus, the neighbor returns from the bus stop, the children are out trying to help so I yell at them to go back inside, Sarah gets Dharma out, I smack the dog and drag her by the scruff of the neck back inside, children are crying, dog is scared, and everyone is mad at me.
How could this have gone differently? All I had to do was close the front door. Within 15 seconds, Dharma would have been scratching to come inside. We could have said something witty and laughed instead of cried. And who cares if we missed the bus. I want to be that perfect tv dad. Can I have take 2?
From the mouths of babes
Evan poking me in my side hard enough to bruise: "Daddy, I want you come upschairs."
Dad: "No I have to work."
Evan: "I have to work too."
Dad: "Oh you do? What are you working on?"
Evan: "I work on compshure."
I wish I could live long enough to see a society where our "work" was solely the development and growth of our children and that our skills were simply contributed as needed to the community. Ray, where’s that Singularity?
The Cupboards Were Bare
When the bedtime stories talk about bare cupboards, they mean ours. For the past 2 weeks, I have been saying, "We need to go to Sam’s. We need to go to the grocery." Time has not permitted. Somehow we have managed. Through creative cooking, every last crumb has turned into a child’s lunch for school, an afternoon snack, or a meal. When the stocks are running to nothing, resourcefulness and creativity kick in. This morning I looked in one cabinet and it was literally devoid of all but a single item! I could feel its vacuum trying to suck me in as if the Haldron Large Collider actually made its black hole in my kitchen cabinetry. The food shelves and fridge had barely enough to make Amy’s school lunch. I could have made pancakes or eggs and toast and avoided a trip to the store but this was looking bad. So for the sake of a happy family, I quested for food at Kroger before anyone woke.
I dodge boxes and employees while walking down the isles of Kroger for it was restocking time. The store is a bustle of activity and I feel like I’ve accidentally become privy to Disney’s afterhours magic. As I pull boxes of junk into my cart, knowing fruit rollups would please the children, I lament feeding them processed junk and ponder what I could do to send them to school with healthy snacks that they would still enjoy. Feeding a family is tough. Feeding a large family is more difficult. Feeding a large family healthy food on a tight budget and frantic schedule is nearly impossible! None the less, I make strides to improve. For instance, we have instant mashed potatoes in a fix but I prefer to make mashed potatoes from scratch.
The kitchen is a little less barren now. The children are happier. I still look forward to getting to Sam’s for we survive on bulk!
From the mouths of babes
Dad, excited to see Tommy calling from college: "Hello!"
Nothing
Dad: "Hello?"
background noise
Dad: "Tommy, you there?"
Tommy: "Tech support question."
Dad, of course, why else would family call me: "What is it?"
Tommy: "My friend’s computer boots but goes to a blue screen before getting into Windows."
Dad: "Does he have a warranty with someone?"
Tommy: "BestBuy but the nearest one is in Knoxville."
Dad: "Then he needs to find a way to get to Knoxville."
Dad: "Okay. Can you boot into safe mode?"
Tommy: "Same thing happens."
Dad: "Is this a desktop or a laptop?"
Tommy: "A laptop."
Dad: "Has this computer been dropped?"
Tommy: "Well, yeah."
Dad: "Go to BestBuy."
From the mouths of babes
I like to change the picture on my desktop from time to time. I have two monitors and the picture appears on each of them. The theme lately has been family so I have had a variety of pictures of the children and Cathy as my desktop. Today I thought I’d try on something artsy. I went looking for a picture and came across a very tasteful, black and white nude that the composition just seemed far more striking than any of the other photos on the site. 30 seconds later, Evan comes strolling up to my desk.
Dad, trying to get an application to cover up the picture, instead gets an hour glass: "Hi Evan."
Evan, 3 years old, very loudly: "Nice butt!"
Dad, watching hour glass: *blink*
Evan, making sure Dad heard, places emphasis on butt: "Nice BUTT!"
At least the boy has good taste! Now, time to find something more abstract…
From the mouths of babes
Amy, three, with Noah, twelve, beside her: "Can the dogs go with us to school?" (she means carpool)
Dad: "Sure but don’t let them in the car until I wipe their feet."
Noah, Evan, Amy and the dogs walk out the door. Dad from the front porch hollers: "Don’t let the dogs in the car until their feet get wiped."
Noah walks to car and puts hand on door handle. Dad yells: "Don’t let the dogs in the van!"
Noah opens the door and lets Dharma in with no effort to stop her.
Dad goes on a tirade: {this part is unprintable}
Noah: "I thought you were talking to Amy."
You know that scene in Caddy Shack?
Time to reenact the pool scene from Caddy Shack, only we don’t have any Baby Ruth’s in this house. Where did I leave my Hazmat suit?
Update: They called me upstairs to deal with it. I donned my rubber gloves and found two small children still in the tub. Evan was holding a brown ball of the stuff! He gave it to me then Amy grabbed a fibrous sheet of it. Yuck! Evan had quite the blowout. Amy tossed her sheet toward me and I jumped back 3 feet as they laughed and swished around in the murky water. It was all in the bath water. I was repulsed. Amy and Evan laughed and swam. Cathy laughed so hard she started to tear. Then she explained that Evan took the card board tube from an expended roll of paper towels in with him. Belated April Fools on me! Now that was funny.
What is parenting?
Parenting is not getting upset about spending $29 on what you thought was a child-friendly dinner only to have 3 children decide not to eat.
Update: A fourth child stayed at a friend’s house because their Chinese food sounded better than our dinner. The fifth child had cheese cake because he’s away at the university.
