Evan: "wat a woot la la blah che che oooh."
Dad: "That’s chalk and I’m not opening it in here."
Evan, 2 years old, sharply: "Fine!"
Category: Of Being Dad
Fatherly posts.
From the mouths of babes
Upon returning home from getting Amy to Zoocamp, I see a large bowl of Cool Ranch Doritos on the kitchen table. Noah comes in and snatches one.
Dad: "What did you eat for breakfast?"
Noah: "A cup of milk."
Noah’s eating habits become worse everyday. I battle in my head different ways of changing his diet because I feel strongly his diet is having a significant impact on his well being. Right now though, I am allowing that path of least resistance on the premise that he will eventually start trying vegetables and more interesting foods of his own accord. I fear I am wrong.
What kind of parent will I be?
If I ever find this in the laundry?
And let the world spin
I need to be working but can’t get to my computer. Instead I build up my stress. By the time, I get to my computer my anxiety will be so high that I will be completely dysfunctional. My sinuses are broken today. Apparently my nose thinks it is a water faucet. I run to the bathroom ever couple of minutes to blow my nose. Between blows the pressure under my eyes builds up to feel like I have been smacked in the face. I could take a decongestant but then I’d sleep the day away.Couple all of this with the dizzy. Yes, the dizzy spells are trying to rear their heads again. Philip has the mola mola; I’ve got a tornado in my head. I think both conditions are stress related.
My family wants to be swimming at the pool today at 2pm. I bet that would dry up my sinuses! I could use some exercise and some sun. I won’t be there. I want to be painting the bedroom walls. I want to be blogging about last night’s Blogfest. I want to be juggling. I want to be finishing my projects. I want to know how I will feed my family next week. I want to be playing with my children. I want to build them a club house, a tree fort and a zip line in the back yard. I want my head to be clear.
Code Your Own Game!
So Tommy is a World of Warcraft addict. As a programmer, I think my children should know a little bit about coding. I have decided to install Visual Studio Express on their computers and letting them earn computer time by learning about programming. Write Hello World
, earn some Youtube time. Write your own game and then play WoW. Actually, I don’t want to set this up as a drudgery so a carrot/reward system won’t work. I am hoping they just find it cool.
Whaaaaaaaa
Why is everybody crying?!!
Unmasked
I may have been a huge jackass the other day. It did not come without great guilt. But it did make for a good story!
Did you know that laundry baskets have aerodynamic qualities and that when you angrily throw one down the stairs that the airfoil shape gives it enough lift to smash into your wife’s collectibles?
Noah was going to sleep over with a friend. When they arrived to pick up Noah conversation revealed we were on our way to the store to buy a new laundry basket. In 1977, Billy Joel explained that we all wear masks. We know it. Society has its demands. Scout leaders are supposed to be even tempered and fair to the boys; No one smokes pot except Clinton; And we all drive the speed limit except when no one is looking. Still, we put on our airs, wear the appropriate mask, and try to be Stepford (see also) when in public. Noah’s friend blurts out, "My dad was mad at me once and kicked our laundry basket down the stairs breaking it!" His mother was in shock! Her mask had fallen! So I dropped my mask explaining, "Sounds a lot like how ours broke!" and she relaxed. See, when I threw the basket down the stairs I was angry at Cathy. When I kicked it across the basement shattering the basket, I was angry at myself.
I like not having to wear a mask. Tensions drop and we can enjoy each other’s company so much more. Without a mask, we are truly accepting a person instead of the image we and they think needs to be portrayed. After all, we are all just human and no one is without flaws.
Morning Frustrations
I planned on being at a client’s office at 7am this morning and skipping lunch so I could get back home for a productive afternoon. However, a nervous stomach and throbbing head kept me in bed. I don’t use an alarm clock but I sure have a snooze alarm. When a 100 pound German Shepherd rolls over on your legs, it is like having an extra feather down quilt thrown over you on a cold, lazy winter Saturday. Molly obviously knew I needed some extra Zzzs.
So, the stomach bug has Cathy too. It’s 9:35am and I have been unable to leave the house. She’s camped out in the water closet, Amy has me cooking cinnamon rolls, and other distractions have kept me chained to these 4 walls.
So, instead of getting anything done, I am pacing the floors and debating just staying home to work on other high priority projects.
Happy Birthday Evan!
Two weeks ago it was Cathy’s birthday. This past Thursday, Noah turned 11 years old. Today Evan turns two! Two very fast years. When Amy was born, I bought a book and started writing her a letter a day which became a letter a week, then none at all. When Evan was born, I bought a book and never put word one in it. Ah! Good intentions replaced by actual doings. The upcoming birthdays are Amy turning five on June 10 and Sarah turning 14 on June 24 then Tommy turns 17 on August 15.
Can you cope?
Cathy posted regarding her cycle of stress by which she feeds her headaches. Dr Michael Benjamin (or a robot representing Dr Benjamin or possibly a consulting group in India) commented on Cathy’s post (which is slightly ironic because one of Cathy’s degrees are in Psychology). Kris and Cathy both visited the good doctor’s myRay site and liked it. Naturally, I had to take a moment to see how crazy I am. The results? I short I’m a disappointed, angry, critical control freak that feels excessive guilt, burdens myself with responsibility that isn’t mine, craves more intimacy, and desperately needs a steak. A brief clipping:
- You have a tendency to think and analyze. This is very important to you.
- You do not seem to be able to “think your way out” of stress.
This causes you to think more with increasingly fewer results for your thoughts.
- You can easily get into a vicious circle and feel perplexed.
[Source]
And the best sentence in the evaluation (which regular readers of Reality Me will appreciate): It is easier to be more open when writing, than in face-to-face relationships..
The detailed results:
Children, left to their own…
So this morning had a plan. At 5:15am I would be on a video conference with London that would end at 6am. At 6am I would rouse Noah, make sure he was fed, clothed, etc and send him off at 6:54am to his last half day of the 5th grade. At 7am, I rouse Sarah, make sure she is fed, clothed, etc and instead of sending her to the bus at 7:34am I would drive her to make sure she was at school early (8am) so that she could participate in BNN’s filming the 8th grader’s last day.
Plans! Technical issues got the video conference off to a late start. I got Noah started then checked on him to find him staring blankly at our barren kitchen. He didn’t want cereal so I ran down options: oat meal, cream of wheat, eggs, … We hit on eggs! So I roll into EduDad and prompt Noah to get a frying pan while I get a bowl and crack two eggs into it. Noah looks in the closet where we keep glassware, then he looks in the drawer under the stove, and finally in the cabinet by the stove where pans are kept. He adds some milk to the eggs and we beat them well. The pan is oiled and cooking commences. I instruct him on when and how to stir the eggs and I return to my video conference. 20 minutes later I check on him and he is still stirring the most well-done eggs you’ve ever seen. I failed to tell him when to remove the eggs! "I was waiting for you to come upstairs so I could ask what to do." Why didn’t he come downstairs and ask for help?! Of course, I feel rotten. With one minute to spare, he slams down his burnt eggs and goes to his bus.
I rouse Sarah and return to my conference call. We wrapped at 7:46am which was still enough time to get Sarah to the school but she’s AWOL! And Noah left the stove on! I call Sarah’s phone, the one she left at her friend’s house, and leave a voice mail but I know what she’s done. In her desire to be an independent teen and trying to not interrupt my work, she has acted on her own. However, as a parent, I want her to always say goodbye! I want her to say good morning. I want her to sneak into her mother’s room and get her mom a peck on the cheek! AND we had a plan. I was supposed to drive her to school.
I find the choices they made this morning amusing and good for their growth and learning; however, I feel that I bungled being a dad this morning. I feel I let Sarah down.
Calls a parent never likes
Tommy, "Our bus just got hit. I told the officer I didn’t do it."
The school bus experience has been horrid this year. There is no lack of irony in the year ending with a bus accident. Tommy’s description was that a trailer clipped the back corn of the bus and the bus didn’t even move much. His friend’s mother called and said, "the bus got side swiped!" The accident happened within walking distance of the school but they are making the children wait until another bus can come to move them from the accident scene to the school. Since it is a short bus of special needs students, that does make sense.
I had hoped we could arrange for Tommy to ride the regular bus home at least once this year. I think he is fully capable of handling the regular bus. Getting off the short bus would alleviate so much turmoil! And possibly introduce some.
Update: Tommy called, laughing, to declare, "we’re on tv!" Looks like WATE got the footage. Guess we will have to record the news tonight. The kids on the bus sounded way out of control.
Update 2: Some more details.
Another of Doug’s Mantras
Something else the children hear me drone out over and over: "If you force it, it will break."
Yes and…
Earlier I wrote about speaking positively to your child. The next step comes from some comedic training I had under David Brian Alley who trained in Second City with the i.O. under Del Close and Charna Halpern (the teachers of most of the Saturday Night Live greats!).
Using these lessons, I became a founding member of a Knoxvillian comedy troupe called Einstein Simplified and performed regularly at Manhattan’s for two years. We forewent the Harold, Truth in Comedy’s performance piece, and focused on performing the exercises. The end result was a format exactly like Whose Line Is It Anyway? before it became vogue. (Our inspiration was the British version) The performances were thrilling!
Truth in Comedy: The Manual of Improvisation
For instance, on the stage, one performer might say, "the sky is green." The other performers must now roll with this statement. To negate it is argumentative and not comedic. The next performer might add, "Yes and gravity has quit working!" If another performer said something like, "No that’s crazy" comedic opportunity ends because again the performers are arguing or contradicting. So instead, the next performer agrees and adds, "Look, the ground is blue. Pull your ripcords!" By agreeing and adding information, the comedians create a story. Is it funny? That depends on the connections it makes with the live audience and physical choices the actors make. As long as the actors did not argue or contradict, they are at least entertaining in the fact that they could piece together such a story on the fly. Connections with the audience can be guaranteed by starting the story with suggestions taken from the audience. "Give us a location. And a color."
Applying this lesson to positive parenting is as simple as avoiding "no" in conversation. When your teenager asks, "can I go to the mall?" instead of abruptly declaring, "no I don’t have time because I am cleaning" agree and add, "yes, as soon as your room is clean." Do not set your child up for failure. "Yes, as soon as you have painted and re-roofed the house" is not agreeing and adding with respect to positive parenting. When your teen asks to go on a date, agree and add, "yes, as long as it is a group date with a chaperon."
Another example might be when a younger child asks for a sleep over. Delayed gratification and planning are difficult concepts in your single digits so their "yes and…"s should be more immediate; however, sleepovers give a great opportunity to teach scheduling. "Can I sleep over at Wyatt’s?" The child is obviously implying tonight. Rather than saying, "no, you didn’t plan ahead" try "yes, and let’s find a good night in our calendar." Your agreeing and adding to the conversation has created a win-win situation whereby the child’s disappointment can turn into anticipation, you bond with the child and teach cooperation as you look together at the family calendar, and planning/scheduling skills are taught. Simply saying, "no" in exasperation would have created an unhappy child who would eventually learn, "there’s no point in asking my parents."
"Yes and…" works in business too. Imagine having a sales meeting without once uttering the words "no," "but," or "not." How energized and excited the prospective client will be from such a positive experience!
Negativity seeps into our lives. The news thrives on shock, gore, and evil. Adversity, bill collectors, road ragers, corporate back stabbers, con artists, and just plain mean people abound in our lives. It is no wonder so many people need antidepressants. We should avoid adding to the bad karma! We have all heard that it is easier to smile than frown and yet we furrow our brows constantly. Breaking our negative habit takes hard work. Practice agreeing and adding! You will become a more positive, happier person with greater success in your endeavors.
The Half Full or Half Empty Child
Are you raising a positive child or a negative child? As their parent, you will help determine their outlook on life and, in part, it is as simple as your word choices. "No" falls so easily from our lips. As a parent, we have to deny our children often but do we have to say no? Instead we could give them alternatives, or we could redirect in a positive way but right now I want to focus purely on word choice. Consider this sentence:
Don’t touch that!
How many times a day? We say "don’t touch that" for safety, control, and sanity. "Don’t," contraction for "do not," is negative purely because not is a negator. Consider this sentence:
Leave that alone!
Same connotation but "leave that alone" is a positive statement. It is a doing statement. By using a sentence without the word "not" you have given your child a positive statement. By using an action word, you are teaching your child to be proactive. "Leave" gives the child an action where as a sentence with "not" generally gives the child an action to avoid.
Using positive words instead of negative words can help your child be happier, confident, self-sufficient, and will create the foundation for their future interpretation of life events. As adults, think about how dejected and beat down we feel from constant rejection and negativity. Our children need to hear positive words!
That last sentence could have been phrased, "Our children should not hear negative words." I challenge you to watch for opportunities to turn your speech positive. An easy way to begin is to drop the word "not" from your vocabulary.
