"Murphy was an optimist!"
I’m sorry I stole your cat July 13, 2007 1:10 pm
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Daily Life, Family, Gray, Humor, Murph, Of Interest, Pets, Philosophy
So last night I’m on the phone with the sheriff’s office when a car pulls up and a stranger approaches our house. The lady quickly approaches in tears and starts asking about our outdoor cat. She describes it in explicit details while wiping her eyes. I excuse myself and tell the officer on the phone that she can cancel the 2 week property watch I was scheduling.
Being slow on the uptake, and after hearing several sobbing, "I’m sorry"s, I prepare myself for the words, "I killed your cat." Of course, had I remembered why I was talking to the sheriff’s office in the first place, the story would have been instantly clear to me. See, 15 minutes prior (roughly 11pm), Tommy calmly came downstairs and told me, "someone just came up to our porch, crouched down like they were sneaking, then saw me through the window and ran back to their car and drove off." I start thinking that maybe talking to Say Uncle about improving our home arsenal would be a good idea. I prepare myself for the worse and walk outside expecting to see toilet paper in the trees or maybe the kids sandbox missing. I couldn’t find anything. Maybe they were scoping us out. That’s when I called the sheriff. They immediately put us on a property watch and promised a cruiser would go past the house several times in the night. But my concern was for my family’s safety while I’m incommunicado in the West Virginia mountains next week. The sheriff transfers me to another department which schedules property watches for up to two weeks. That’s when this lady approached my house. I have to say, it was comforting having an officer listening in while our conversation began.
As it turns out, one of her 10 cats went missing about two weeks ago. Her pet psychic explained that the cat was ok and still near her house. Ah! The pet psychic. That certainly explained how she was able to find a dark gray cat on a county road (ie. no street lights), on a moonless night with the porch lights turned off. She showed me a picture of her cat which was strikingly similar to my cat. Mark points out that she probably knew how to find the cat by remembering where she took the picture during a previous day.
I ponder offering to let her keep the cat but she breaks into explaining that she knew it wasn’t her cat when she got home and it started acting strange. Ok. That translates to "she start tearing things up and peeing everywhere." That would be because she’s feral, a huntress, and abhors the indoors. She literally would rather be out in a tornado than come into the house (that’s a real example!).
I’m sure the cat was in her trunk and she was just going to release it but saw the porch lights on and knew she was busted. So she offered to go get the cat and bring it back (ie. drive out of sight, get the cat out of the trunk, make a U-turn and come back). I have to say I was impressed with how she held the cat to her and didn’t get shredded into a bloody pulp. She handed her to me and I took her with extreme trepidation! This is the cat that has killed a rabbit, squirrels, and two bats. I like my arms!
I suggested that her pet psychic could still be correct and told her about the crawl space access in the abandoned house on the corner where my animals have been trapped before. She went on her way and after a little debate, I called the non-emergency number to cancel the night’s property watch and explain to the sheriff that the stolen goods had been returned.
5commentsParaskavedekatriaphobia July 13, 2007 10:54 am
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Daily Life, Of Interest, PhilosophyThe Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in Asheville, North Carolina estimates that in the United States alone, $800 or $900 million is lost in business each Friday the 13th because some people will not travel or go to work. [Source via KnoxViews]
You know, if I could have just a little, tinnie, tiny piece of that….
add a commentGuilty Confession July 13, 2007 10:13 am
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Daily Life, Of Being Dad, Of Interest, TV / MoviesI really like watching Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch Kids (see also 2004).
1 comment so farPG-13 means dick jokes July 12, 2007 12:07 pm
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Daily Life, Family, Of Being Dad, Of Interest, Theater
Thank you Bindlestiff Family Circus for making me have to explain "deep throating" to my teenagers.
Me: "Do you know what deep throating is?"Teenager: "Yes. It’s when you swallow something partly then spit it up."
Me, thinking: *close*
I enjoyed their stark stares of dread as they tried to melt into the upholstery during my explanation. They needed an explanation because it was clear they didn’t understand when they made a dozen deep throat jokes in front of the grandfather between the theater and the parking garage. Of course, I really appreciate the detail at which you explained the proper use of a condom. I have been trying to figure out how to have that conversation with them and now I don’t need to.
Thank you for the interesting date for the first half of the show. I certainly would have enjoyed sitting with Cathy but I suppose this is called a variety show for a reason.
Your show was innovative and right in line with the style I like to attempt in my performances although I’m more G rated. Thank you for keeping the spirit of Vaudeville alive. I had a blast! Of course, Danny would probably like to know that a highlight of the show was having the very Republican father-in-law sit motionless as the theater erupted into its most raucous cheering and applause in response to the very pointed GW Bush jokes.
4commentsWitches! July 9, 2007 10:57 am
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Of InterestI always thought they’d fly faster. I guess standard transportation is more efficient which is probably why we don’t see more of them flying around.
1 comment so farFlashback to the Arcade July 8, 2007 11:51 pm
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Daily Life, Games/Puzzles, History, MedfordThanks to Instapundit, I just had a little flash back to hard earned quarters being sucked into the video game vacuum cleaner Dragon’s Lair with its exceptional graphics and somewhat kludgey game play. I spent a lot of time and a lot of money on that game!
2commentsGood coders reuse code July 5, 2007 4:56 pm
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Of Interest, PublishingWho knew the same rule applies to animators?! (link via BoingBoing of course)
add a commentIt’s good to answer the phone. Sword Swallowing! July 5, 2007 2:36 pm
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Contest, Daily Life, Family, Of Being Dad, Of Interest, PhilosophyI have this mixed luck. I get some of the most horrendous, ill-timed, apparent "bad" luck. But it is all perspective. Yes, the power went out last night and forced me to experience a 4 hour delay; however, I got some much needed sleep and was of clearer mind for it. I do believe strongly in karma as well as outlook.
An Irishman was out walking and stepped in some dog poo. He declared, "look at my great fortune! I could have been wearing my good shoes!"
Two weeks ago I asked if we could go to the Bindlestiff Family Circus. JackFM 95.7 put up a contest which I entered and they drew my name! This is exciting on a variety of levels. One, I rarely win anything. Two, the family gets to do something unique and entertaining! Three, I love the Bijou. I even appear in a fund raising video around the time the future of the Bijou was in question. Four, Sword Swalling and JUGGLING! Thank you JackFM!
1 comment so farCondom testers wanted for new positions July 5, 2007 11:41 am
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Announcements, Health, Of Interest, Sex, Touchy SubjectsFirst, no I am not on a condom kick. This story just came out coincidentally close to my anecdote on shopping for condoms with Evan.
You read that headline and think "ew" or "what a cool job!" I whip out my copy of the Kama Sutra to try to figure out what positions they could have possibly left out!
Durex is a great company with the funniest commercials. They impress me most with their website. Unlike their competitors who use bloated, slow loading flash sites, Durex has a clean, fast loading website packaged with educational information (except for their image downloads which despite numerous back and forth emails I cannot convince them that they are broken).
The position is not paid, but successful applicants will receive a free $60 selection of Durex products and will be required to provide the company with honest feedback about the products’ performance. [Source]
You know, I could picture the feedback going something like this: "The condoms were very comfortable. Like they weren’t there at all. Oh, and let me introduce you to Junior. He was conceived about half way through testing. Btw, I recorded that you have about a 43% breakage rate."
2commentsToyota Prius Can Go 100mph! July 4, 2007 6:51 pm
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : News, Of Interest, Touchy SubjectsNever the popular kid! July 4, 2007 3:49 pm
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Cool Sites, Of InterestHa ha. I just looked at The Blue Sloth’s twitter page. Phillip is like a sports car. 0-65 (friends) in no time flat. And 7 of them are guys! My beat up clunker has been in the slow lane followed by my 16 awesome friends! So how is it that this witty, stay-at-home dad, wonderful husband and awesome artist garnishes so much popularity so quickly? Simple! He looks awesome with no shirt! That and he is a witty, stay-at-home dad, wonderful husband and awesome artist. If you don’t read The Blue Sloth, you should. I think I need to go exercise…
add a commentTwitter SOS July 4, 2007 11:05 am
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Of InterestI’m looking over my recent Twitter messages and I see " Lost in the mountains about 16 hours ago"
. I imagine the 911 call would go like this:
Me: A friend is lost in the mountains.
911: Which mountains.
Me: I don’t know. We need to notify the rescue squad.
911: How do you know he is missing.
Me: I saw it on the Internet.
911: Sir, you cannot believe everything you read on the Internet. If he is lost in the mountains, how did he get a message on th e Internet?
Me: Bearnet duh! He used his phone!
911: See, he’s not lost in the mountains. Everybody knows that cell phones don’t work in the mountains!
Me: Good point.
So I’m a condom ad July 3, 2007 12:38 pm
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Daily Life, Evan, Family, Of Being Dad, Podcasting, Sex, Touchy SubjectsYoung Purchases
I remember the first condom I ever bought. I was 11 or 12 and it was a dry, non-lubricated condom. I remember this because I bought it at a store that sold Mardi Gras beads, magic tricks, and novelties. The condom came in a white box with a joke printed on it. I do not remember the joke. What I do remember is that I did not buy it for the joke rather I wanted to know what one of those things looked like.
That first condom purchase had no tension. Every condom purchase after that for the better part of a decade was guilt ridden. You’d approach the checkout feeling that because you were under 18 you would be denied your purchase. Or you would not take your eyes off the floor for fear of seeing those judging eyes of everyone in the store who had obviously stopped their shopping to stare at the sinful teen buying a condom. Didn’t they know it was going to just sit in that vinyl wallet to make the status circle until the wrapper wore thin and had to be replaced with another condom?
Providing Protection
As a resident assistant at the University of TN Knoxville (Clement and Reese), I had condoms galore to distribute to the residents. Aids Response Knoxville had given me 200-300 colored condoms to distribute to the residents. Ha! They should have been named inner tubes rather than condoms considering they were thick enough to bag your lawn clippings. But they were pretty! As I gave someone the last condom, I lamented that I’d have to buy condoms again. Of course, you can get free condoms online from Trojan and Durex.
Five Children Later
Two years ago, Omega was born. Two years ago, I readied myself to never purchase a condom again. For the most part, guys don’t want anyone playing around their groin with one notable exception. Age and economics have placed us in a position of saying 5 children is enough. Don’t get me wrong. I love having a large family and would have really liked having more children (not that many). Just under two years ago, I lamented that merely $600 kept me from participating in National Vasectomy Awareness Week.
Buying Condoms With Children
The other day Cathy, Evan and I approach the checkout at the grocery store and it occurs to me that we are in no position to exercise some adult stress relief. Evan is a little wild so I take him with me as Cathy unloads the shopping cart at the register. I find where they keep the condoms and I stare into the multi-color array of pleasure choices. Ribbed for the illusion of increased stimulation. Extra-large for small egos. Coated in desensitizing lotion in case your antidepressant is not doing its job. "Anti-depressants; they make you popular!" Non-lubricated for nostalgia. Flavored because you’re fooling yourself. Twisted because we’re fooling you. Tingling because no sex is better than the kind she screams out, "it burns! it burns!" Ultra-ultra-ultra thin because you might just want another baby.
Oh. I got distracted. Where’s Evan? Oh! Screaming and bolting for the exit. I grab the least expensive 12 pack (a year’s supply) checking to make sure it doesn’t say nonoxynol-9 (which I am pretty sure doesn’t come on any condom anymore) and making sure it doesn’t say Michelin then bolt for Evan. He sees me coming, laughs, squeals, changes direction and shoots toward the lines of staring people at the checkouts. "Oh look honey! That man carrying the box of condoms is chasing the undisciplined hellion." I finally catch Evan who grabs the box of condoms and politely hands them to the cashier.
Internet Campaign to Neuter Doug
I think Evan is finally turning in his lease. 
I have a chance at a romance life again! I think perhaps it is time to walk the path some other brave men have journeyed. Time to buy a decent bottle of scotch and a bag of frozen peas. Dr. Snip here I come!
Evening Gone Awry July 2, 2007 11:24 pm
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Daily Life, Family, Of Being Dad, ScoutsSince I did not get my work finished this weekend, I did not get to take time today to fix up my bike (which looks like a pile of rust anyway). We rushed to get dinner made and for some odd reason the taquitoes didn’t cook so no one ate. We get down to the head of the bike trail at 7pm, the normal scout meeting time, and we see evidence of our Scouts but no Scouts. Obviously they met earlier. We just never saw an email. Turns out they met at 6 and rolled out at 6:15. We arrived at 6:55. We drove for 30 minutes searching the trail and finally returned to the finish line to let Noah, Amy and Evan ride the trail. We got to see a train and wave at the engineer. They had a blast and eventually the Scouts returned. Molly wrenched my arm out of socket but we also got some good sprinting in. I need more regular exercise like that. Unfortunately, I’d planned the evening to be coding. Now I’m just tired and sore.
Can I possibly correct the mistakes I have made within this lifetime?
2commentsEgad they’re real! July 2, 2007 4:12 pm
Posted by Doug McCaughan in : Blogroll, Cathy, Daily Life, Family, Health, Mental, Of Being Dad, Of Interest, TommySaturday night Cathy, Tommy, Evan and I decided to grab a bite to eat. And we treated ourselves to a restaurant. As we are being seated my eyes fall upon the grill that the restaurant is giving away and I drift over to it to fill out the marketing information registration as the rest of the crew move on. "It’s Doug!" I look up to see Thing 1 and Thing 2 and a nice couple, obviously their parents. Look away! Don’t make eye contact. Blast this facial/name recognition deficiency of mine. Wait. You have to look at their faces to recognize them otherwise its just bodies in clothes. Clothes! Look for clues. Well, Thing 1 and Thing 2. Pretty big clues! Tall guy. They know me. Where’s my help? Panic! Look at grill. No look for Cathy. Eh. The restaurant is a cloud of blurry people. Looks like I’m staring at the prison train from The Wall. Eeks. No help there. Clues? A theatre reference on the shirt! Thing 1, Thing 2. Suessical! It’s the Barrys!
Whew! Takes a lot of words to recall 5 seconds of one’s life. I don’t know if it is the stress of worrying that if you don’t immediately recognize someone that you will offend them or if it was all that beerdamage I did to my brain in college or if its the stress of my life in general or if I just am incapable but regardless of how well I know you there are simply times where I stare at your face and no name will come to me!
I really like seeing our online friend’s in the real world. It is nice to pretend that I have friends in the flesh for the people who read Reality Me probably know me better than people in real life and the readers probably interact with me more than people in real life. I really stay locked in the basement A LOT! We need human contact! Granted, Scouting and some of the other activities of the children have brought us out of our hermitation a bit of late. And that’s nice. Of course, I wanted to bug the Barry’s and be social but Cathy in her ever present since of prudence would not let me interrupt their dinner although I sneaked in a "good-bye" and "break a leg" despite Cathy’s protests. Barry and family, it was great seeing you guys!
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