What is today’s punchline? We locked the dogs in the bathroom to get Noah to his black belt test tonight. One of the dogs could not wait until we got home so we have runny dog poop all over the bathroom and two dogs to bathe. Of course I have to be up at 6am so I can get the car to Firestone for a new tire, rotation and alignment check. There may be a midnight beer run in order.
Category: Of Being Dad
Fatherly posts.
Finally at my desk!
None of the children made their bus today. That means I drove to an elementary school, a middle school, and the high school (twice) because one of the high schoolers grew ill and required a stop at Target for medicine. That one was not contagious and refused the offer to stay home. Ok. I’ve filled my Monday crap quota. Can I have the rest of the day in peace to get some work done?
My child walks the road where dogs go to die
Thank you strangers, whoever you were, for delivering my child from harms way. See, I just washed the dog, was shirtless, and looking fairly unpresentable having just returned from leading 17 boys on a rock climbing camping trip. By the time I grabbed a shirt you were gone. I suppose I should have just gone to your car. It would have completed the picture of an irresponsible white trash parent for you. My almost 6 year old daughter was trying to find the neighbor’s dog after it ran away and the neighbor, thinking the children wouldn’t wander far, told the children they could not come back into the house until the dog was found. My daughter knows she cannot go past a certain marking on the street but apparently did not know she could not cross the creek. That creek is thick with mud and still has water from our recent deluges. She found her way to Northshore Drive which is one of those roads riddled with crosses on the shoulder and enough road kill to create an A to Z picture book of dead animals. This is the same road I fought for three years to convince the school that our elementary school bus stop should not be on that road.
I have to say this event has created conflict in so many ways. The wife and I are bitterly angry at each other because I grew furious that she wouldn’t go greet you. She did not understand what I was asking, did not see you pull up, and also considered herself unpresentable. Instead you met my oldest son. He has an issue with social situations and does not understand things like asking for your name so that I have some semblance of a clue about whether or not you were friends or just plain good Samaritans. You also met my dog who is a very friendly and safe German Shepherd but has taken to running toward strangers at the house with a fear inducing bark but really she just wants to say hi and let us know you are here. I got mad because I just soaked myself and made my back ache giving her a bath on the porch but apparently I am the only person in our family capable of opening the front door without letting the dog outside. I am upset with my daughter for straying so far from home, for being on such a dangerous road, and for getting in a car with someone she did not recognize, "because she told [her] to get in and [she] didn’t want to be rude." At the same time, I am thrilled that she got in the car with you! I will have to re-think this whole brainwashing our children to not trust strangers bit. After all, aren’t most people good? Shouldn’t we trust each other? Thanks again for keeping my child safe!
Update: Later the neighbor did drive out and find their dog safe and sound.
How stressed have you ever been?
Last night I allowed myself to sleep a little. I dreamed about my work. And threw up.
From the mouths of babes
Evan, quickly approaching 3 but already an expert: "OOH peein" (that’s open to the uninitiated) *squint* *grin* "peeeas" (that’d be please)
I think, "Aw, he’s so cute." Then Evan hands me a box of 24 Durex condoms. That’s a whole 2 year supply!
Dad: "A little young for those aren’t you?"
Of course, if you help contribute to the vasectomy fund , I can quit buying those things and think of ALL the oil that could be saved! The material itself, transportation, packaging, manufacturing equipment, and so forth. Snip me, save the planet! You know, if May 27 rolls around and we still only have a penny, I’m tempted to DIY this procedure while streaming it over ustream. I mean, how difficult could it be?
Lessons in Parenting
When the two and a half year old pours his milk into your tea, don’t throw his empty glass across the kitchen. It’s a real bad example to the children and makes a big mess. Just laugh and get some more tea.
My Typical Morning
[audio:http://realityme.net/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/mytypicalmorning.mp3] (download)
30 minutes of my day.
I have meeting clothes
In preparing for our father daughter dance last night, Amy explained that I had to wear my "meeting clothes." See, some people have dress clothes or even church clothes but apparently in the eyes of my sweet little five year old, I only get fancied up when I have to leave the house for a meeting! I love that girl!
"If I hafta wear a dress, then Daddy has to wear his meeting clothes." [Source, Cathy’s Twitter]
He & Me
I had the pleasure of my first ever father and daughter dance last night. My daughter was beautiful and moved with grace! Of course, watching one other father and daughter burn up the dance floor made me wish I had brushed up on some dance steps. Amy and I laughed, jitterbugged, swung, locked elbow to elbow squaring dancing for Rocky Top, and just plain boogied! I stood on the sidelines while she did the cha cha two step. I forgot to Tango with her which she had requested. Of course, the only way my date would accept a dance from me was if I placed my left hand on my chest, extended my right arm out in her direction with a flip of the wrist, dipping my head and making an exaggerated bow. The gym was packed with familiar faces and Amy danced with her friends and had discussions with other dads. I foresaw the future as one of the older girls frequently ditched her father to hang with her friends; 30 seconds of dad, 10 minutes of friends, repeat.
Whenever I post about family, I think back to March 24, 2006 which is when I finally started paying more attention to KristyK’s January 24th wish to see more discussion on blended families.
I know of a few blended families that I read online [Cathy and her husband, Poetical, Educating Hercules]. But,even though these are blended families, I don’t read a lot about the ‘step’ part. [Source, KristyK, there are no rules for this]
Sarah, my older daughter, missed out on doing the father/daughter dance. At the age she would have been doing these dances, her biological father had left, and she, her two brothers, along with her mother were living in the grandparent’s house. I am sorry that Sarah missed that opportunity and I hope that she and I have dances in our future! You may note that we don’t use the word step in this family. It might be different if biodad came around more than 2 days a year. The older children had their choice to call me Doug, dad, that guy, or whatever. They also are free to call me step-dad. Those choose dad in both cases and I couldn’t be honored more! I don’t use step in referring to my sons or daughter because we are so close that at times I forget there was a sperm donor involved.
I cry
I hold you my son
And I cry
For I cannot give you all the world.
I watch you my daughter
And I cry
For I cannot give you all my time.
I teach you my son
And I cry
For I cannot give you all knowledge.
I guide you my daughter
And I cry
For I cannot prevent all your mistakes.
I set you free my son
And I cry
For I cannot protect you all the time.
I love you my wife
And I cry
For I cannot give you a better life.
And I cry
Tears of joy
For all of you give me such happiness!
I slept with alligators.
I have made a commitment to my children, the Boy Scouts of America, and myself to get out in the wilderness periodically. Often these are weekend trips. Occasionally these are longer. Noah, Tommy, and myself, along with fifteen other people, just spent 5 days in the Okefenokee Swamp. We camped on Mixons Hammock. We canoed upstream into strong head winds for 3 miles to Billys Island to see the ghost town (complete with a school, church, theater and more) where 600-800 people lived while the swamp was logged from 1909 to 1927. Billy’s Island showed the most evidence of the fire that began on May 5, 2007. We also canoed The Narrows to see the head waters of the Suwannee River. (see the canoe map of Okefenokee Swamp).
The mosquitoes were horrible. Noah came within 2 feet of absentmindedly stepping on an alligator as he ran toward his friends yelling, "whatcha lookin’ at?" The raccoons were bold coming within 10 feet of people. A snake visited the camp and decided to nap under Tommy’s tent. We saw alligators, vultures, woodpeckers, red tailed hawks, frogs, frogs, and more frogs, lizards, snake, raccoons, turtles, fire ants, red ants, a mouse (canoed down the Narrows with us), and plenty of mosquitoes. Meals were delicious. The company was excellent with stories and guffaws. Burn cream was administered for bare feet near the fire and sunburn on the skin. Cuts were mended and headaches treated. Overall, no one sustained any substantial injury. I think everyone had a great time. This was my second year in the Okefenokee. I look forward to more!
Now I have to compress 3 work days worth of work as well as administrative duties into a single afternoon. It was worth it!
Of Grasshoppers
Student: Should I bark at the children or use Socratic methods?
Master: Do you want immediate or long lasting results?
When will this day light savings madness end?!
Went to bed at 1am (that used to be midnight) with the intention of napping a couple of hours, rose at 7:08am and by some miracle got three children to their bus stops in time and one kindergartner (may have a tardy) driven to school right at the bell.
Day light stupid time
Overslept. Two of my children can dress themselves like lightning! Looks like I’m driving to the elementary school and the high school.
Ah Yesterday, seems so far away…
Note: If you don’t want to read this, you can get the summary by reading how to turn a $2 pair of scissors into a digital camera.
Morning begins last night
Got home at 2am and went to sleep. Woke at 4am to clean up puppy poo. Went back to bed.
Work and paperwork
Woke decently early to do some programming and file taxes for Tommy’s student loan paperwork. Decided a bath was in order and if I pushed it I could still pick Sarah up at 11am. Didn’t push it.
Taxi service and administrative admin
Got Sarah at 11:20am but the mother and everyone left (2 more girls) but Sarah and the party girl were still sleeping. Embarrassed Sarah by calling her emo on the phone in a call to a hair stylist. Made an appointment for 2:30pm. Got home to find out that Sarah and her friend wanted to do this hair stylist thing together. Why didn’t Sarah say that in the car? Tommy also has a D&D game at Books-a-Million at 2pm. Called stylist again further interrupting her from her present client. Moved appointment to 3:30pm as a joint appointment. Sarah tells the plan to the friend. Friend’s mother calls and person she talks to can’t find them on the books so she makes their appointment for 2:30pm. I call the other mother on my left holding phone to left ear. On another phone, on the right ear, I call stylist back further interrupting her present client. We sort things to 2:30pm. Girls rush to prepare themselves. As I realize that of the quarter inch of paperwork, I only have to turn in a single sheet for Tommy’s student loan and it must me postmarked today! The post office closes at 3pm. That answers the, "who is going and who is staying?" question.
Mobilization!
The house erupts into chaos as commands are shouted and all hands work to dress small children, inspect faces, comb hair, walk dogs, load diaper bags, find trench coats (Tommy just watched The Matrix for the first time), and roll out. The sick one happily volunteers to stay home talking on the phone and playing on the computer and sorta watch the dogs.
Road trip
Fortunately we started on the back roads which were traffic free and spat us out at Books-a-Million at 2:02 right as one of Tommy’s friends were unloading. The others were just in the door of books a million and were happy to see Tommy. It is so nice to see Tommy with friends. We turn east on Kingston Pike noting that westbound is at a standstill for no apparent reason. 
At 2:15 Sarah and Cathy are deposited at High-tech Salon. After spending several minutes convincing Amy to put her seatbelt back on, we are speeding off to the post office but first a challenge. As we approach the intersection at the mall, the traffic signals are flashing red and yellow. Eastbound has 2 turn lanes north, 3 lanes east, and 1 turn lane south. Westbound has 2 turn lanes south, 2 lanes west, and 1 turn lane north. Southbound has 2 turn lanes east, 2 lanes south, and 1 lane west. Northbound has 1 turn lane east, 2 lanes north, 1 turn lane west. Everyone is trying to go at once. If I was alone and had a whistle I would have gotten out and directed traffic! Instead I used my handy dandy aggressive driving skills to brown a few shorts and wiggle my way through the cluster duck unscathed. We make it to the post office and get our paperwork postmarked with certified delivery with time to spare.
Home for calm
Amy, Evan and I return home to give Evan a nap, check on the sick one, make sure the dogs have been walked and left me focus. A few minutes later I get the call that the grandparents are on their way to pickup Amy and Evan. I rush to the church clothes out, diaper bag prepared, and pull up a hay bail to try to cover some of the muddy yard but the hay is wet, moldy and unusable. Our front yard has degraded into such a mess I am considering having some sod delivered despite my desire to have an eco-lawn. A bouncy Amy is loaded into the grandparents car; a zonked, sleeping Evan is also loaded into the car. And I decide to check on the girls.
The Land of Esoteric Businesses
I arrive at High-tech Salon to see smiles on staff, clients and mothers. My girl is sitting under a hair dryer having aluminum foil glued into her hair. Her friend is resting on a sink. I relax in a hair dryer chair and kick my feet up for a few minutes before deciding I should go exploring. The shopping complex was very interesting. Leaving the salon I found a business about the size of my kitchen that was another salon but completely in Spanish. Beside that was a Spanish travel agency. Across the parking lot was an Indian grocery which intrigued me. I walk in "Marahba!" The owner looks up at me, "What you want!" Oops. Hello in Hindi is "nameste." Peruse and leave. Ignore the Spanish grocery or is that a Spanish employment agency. Look! Something in English. Driving school. The same strip actually has two driving schools which speaks volumes. It also has two different consignment stores and a chocolate factory. I decide to find some umpa lompas.
Sweets for the sweeties
After deciding on some chocolate for Cathy, I realize my wallet is in the car. I return to High-tech to confirm that I still have time to buy them sweets and in the process I get several other orders for chocolate. We get Cashew Wispers, dark chocolate dipped cordials, milk chocolate dipped cordials, dark chocolate caramels, milk chocolate caramels, chocolate covered peanut butter and one with rice crispies in the batch, and I decide a little fudge is in order for me. I finish as the the girls finish and I almost don’t recognize Sarah! Her make-over went really well.
Resupplying
The shelves have been barren far too long and Tommy is not finished. We have handed Sarah off to the grandparents and decide to go to Sam’s. I really don’t know how our family would get on without Sam’s Wholesale Club! Nothing feels quite as good as buying one package of toilet paper (72 rolls) that I know will last us an entire month. Of course, I rarely enjoy the cash register. I can usually predict the total and I swoon. But the dry goods will last most of the month and the food a week.
Evening meltdown
I prepare dinner. Call the boys to the table but they are each too caught up in their games. Their loss. Cathy and I enjoy a meal together and eventually the boys show up complaining, "we never hear you." I am pitiless. We have dinner roughly the same time each night besides I kept their meal warm. After a long day my logical side wants to settle into the computer and get some work done. My brain is fried and all I can settle into is the television and bed. Typical Saturday. It was fun!
