Happy Birthday Evan!
Category: Family
Happenings in a 5 child, 2 adult household.
Do-It-Yourself Vasectomy
In December, I set up a chipin campaign to raise money for an operation I promised Cathy 3 years ago. The vasectomy campaign ends in six hours and the Internet hath spoken! Either the digital world out there wants 1) me to have more children or 2) see a DIY vasectomy. As complimented as I am that you desire more of my DNA stay in the gene pool, I am going to have to go with the DIY vasectomy. The only question that remains is to stream via webcam or not to stream? And do I create a chipin campaign for pain killers and re-constructive surgery? Now where’s that Swiss Army knife?
(ala Rocky Horror‘s Time Warp)
It’s just a snip to the left
And a snip to the right
Pull the sack up and put the sutures in tight
No pelvic thrust
For 30 day ay ay ayay ays
Let’s do the vasectomy today!
From the mouths of babes
Evan, raiding my desk: "I found keys car Daddy."
Me, firmly: "Give me the car key!"
Evan, bolting for the stairs: "I need them!"
So where’s the Reality?
On the positive side, Tommy has graduated high school which is quiet a momentous event. This is the last week of school and the two teens are already out with the tween and young girl having their last half day today. I have been coding like a madman staying up as late as 2am and waking as early as 2am And we have entered birthday season. And with the kids out of school for the summer I don’t have to turn into a taxi quiet as regularly.
On the negative side, I am not turning code quickly enough to keep my clients in a happy place (but does software ever develop quickly enough?). I have a stack of paperwork that needs a couple day’s worth of attention. (TMI alert) I have not bathed in a week (it takes too much time away from programming) and my head is starting to look like Einstein with dreads. I have a squirrel trap in the attic building negative karma in my life with an interest rate that makes Sears look tame. Speaking of interest rates, someone opened the flood gates on that sieve I call a bank account at the same time the food shelves decided to run bare. Did I mention it’s birthday season?
I think that sums up the last week or so and probably accurately predicts the coming month or two.
Today’s Marital Advice
Never begin the day with the question, "Are you crabby today?"
18 children? I asked Cathy for a 6th.
Of Being Dad
My life is written like a sitcom. Today is critically important that I be working on a client’s project so I am trying to get the children out of the house as quickly as possible and they are moving slower than ever! Amy likes the Dannables yogurts in her lunch. Yesterday we had about 6 of these in the fridge. This morning none! All the jellos and snacks I normally put in her lunch are raided and of course I’d already cooked her hot dog so telling her to buy lunch today really wasn’t an option. I suppose the dogs would have enjoyed the hot dog. I decide to send money so she can buy milk and I decide on raisins. Raisins, we all know, stick together in the box. So before opening the box I shake it vigorously. Apparently the previous raisin eater did not secure the cap so raisins went flying all over the kitchen. I suppose Murphy is trying to tell me to lighten up and not be so stressed over today.
From the mouths of babes
Conversations that before you were a parent you never imagined really happen and in hindsight can’t believe you had:
Dad, agitated: "Noah did you go to the bathroom downstairs when you got home from school?"
Noah, exasperated: "No."
Dad, perturbed: "Tommy did you poop downstairs?"
Tommy, annoyed: "NOoooo Daaad."
Dad, disbelieving: "Sarah, did you go to the bathroom downstairs?"
Sarah, sharply: "Nope!"
Dad, grasping at straws: "Amy did you use the potty downstairs?"
Amy, lying: "Nuh uh."
Dad, befuddled: "No one used the bathroom downstairs but there’s a giant poop in it?!"
From the mouths of babes
Evan, 2 and 11/12ths: "I wanna go school Dada!"
The punctuation at the end of the sentence
What is today’s punchline? We locked the dogs in the bathroom to get Noah to his black belt test tonight. One of the dogs could not wait until we got home so we have runny dog poop all over the bathroom and two dogs to bathe. Of course I have to be up at 6am so I can get the car to Firestone for a new tire, rotation and alignment check. There may be a midnight beer run in order.
Finally at my desk!
None of the children made their bus today. That means I drove to an elementary school, a middle school, and the high school (twice) because one of the high schoolers grew ill and required a stop at Target for medicine. That one was not contagious and refused the offer to stay home. Ok. I’ve filled my Monday crap quota. Can I have the rest of the day in peace to get some work done?
From the mouths of babes
Amy, almost 6 years old: "I didn’t know her. I got in her car because she told me to get in and I didn’t want to be rude."
AND
Amy: "I was on a road called North something."
Note: This is my 7000th post! I wanted to make it special and funny or have a contest or something. Instead I chose scary.
My child walks the road where dogs go to die
Thank you strangers, whoever you were, for delivering my child from harms way. See, I just washed the dog, was shirtless, and looking fairly unpresentable having just returned from leading 17 boys on a rock climbing camping trip. By the time I grabbed a shirt you were gone. I suppose I should have just gone to your car. It would have completed the picture of an irresponsible white trash parent for you. My almost 6 year old daughter was trying to find the neighbor’s dog after it ran away and the neighbor, thinking the children wouldn’t wander far, told the children they could not come back into the house until the dog was found. My daughter knows she cannot go past a certain marking on the street but apparently did not know she could not cross the creek. That creek is thick with mud and still has water from our recent deluges. She found her way to Northshore Drive which is one of those roads riddled with crosses on the shoulder and enough road kill to create an A to Z picture book of dead animals. This is the same road I fought for three years to convince the school that our elementary school bus stop should not be on that road.
I have to say this event has created conflict in so many ways. The wife and I are bitterly angry at each other because I grew furious that she wouldn’t go greet you. She did not understand what I was asking, did not see you pull up, and also considered herself unpresentable. Instead you met my oldest son. He has an issue with social situations and does not understand things like asking for your name so that I have some semblance of a clue about whether or not you were friends or just plain good Samaritans. You also met my dog who is a very friendly and safe German Shepherd but has taken to running toward strangers at the house with a fear inducing bark but really she just wants to say hi and let us know you are here. I got mad because I just soaked myself and made my back ache giving her a bath on the porch but apparently I am the only person in our family capable of opening the front door without letting the dog outside. I am upset with my daughter for straying so far from home, for being on such a dangerous road, and for getting in a car with someone she did not recognize, "because she told [her] to get in and [she] didn’t want to be rude." At the same time, I am thrilled that she got in the car with you! I will have to re-think this whole brainwashing our children to not trust strangers bit. After all, aren’t most people good? Shouldn’t we trust each other? Thanks again for keeping my child safe!
Update: Later the neighbor did drive out and find their dog safe and sound.
How stressed have you ever been?
Last night I allowed myself to sleep a little. I dreamed about my work. And threw up.
From the mouths of babes
Evan, quickly approaching 3 but already an expert: "OOH peein" (that’s open to the uninitiated) *squint* *grin* "peeeas" (that’d be please)
I think, "Aw, he’s so cute." Then Evan hands me a box of 24 Durex condoms. That’s a whole 2 year supply!
Dad: "A little young for those aren’t you?"
Of course, if you help contribute to the vasectomy fund , I can quit buying those things and think of ALL the oil that could be saved! The material itself, transportation, packaging, manufacturing equipment, and so forth. Snip me, save the planet! You know, if May 27 rolls around and we still only have a penny, I’m tempted to DIY this procedure while streaming it over ustream. I mean, how difficult could it be?
